My life as a fail, Death sounds, easier.

My name is ryan, im 23, i have been shy and quiet all my life. I have severe anxiety, nobody understands me, i am hard of hearing i wear hearing aids. I dont consider myself ugly, but people make me feel that way. I have been a screw up most of my life, when i was 11 i started smoking weed, which then became the root of all my problems since then. I meant an amazing girl at the same time, i dated her from the time we were 11 to 17. In jr high i started getting addicted to marijuana, i skipped school, i stole money to buy it, i ended up with 2 felonies, i spent  alot of time in and out of juvy and rehab it added up to  1 year of incarceration “not i am the polite kid who always says thank you, i never thought i would ever end up this way” over a three year period, during those 3 years on probation i developed severe anxiety. During this period i started ignoring my girlfriend & only caring about getting high “why do i do these thigns”,  ” she was my first love” ” i loved her so much”  We were together basically our entire pre-teen/ teen lives, and one day she couldn’t put  up with me, and my issues, I didn’t understand it, i stayed behing her %100 through her depression, and suicidal bs for 7 years and not once did i ever sit and complain about my life. When she left I felt my life was over. I spent the next 3 to 4 years trying to find myself, trying to finish school, which i ultimately failed to do so in the end “due to weed”. But I then got a good job “thanks to my friend” , i was living with my best friend and his gf which  was our boss, she was an awesome boss, she let us smoke all the weed we wanted,  payed us good, and let us live with her for free “wish she knew how much i appreciate that” but soon i got tired of that and moved back in with my mom. I then meant my second love, at the place where i was working, i felt like she was way out of my league, she was amazing, she was gorgeous. We were together for a year, things went great, but she had her issues, it wasn’t perfect. She was a little emotionally abusive. But its my fault for not being the quote “man” she wanted, i was car-less, job-less, living with my mom, she couldnt deal with my social anxiety, i never wanted to go out. So she left, she found someone else that fit her needs. I was alone for another year and a half trying to find myself, dabbling in alot of hallucinogens hoping to find a better meaning of life, and i did, i feel i have a much better understanding of life anyways, but during this time i was doing alot i mean alot of DXM, it made me pretty crazy, i said things and did things i would never do sober, after about a 3 month binge on dxm i finally broke down & got into an argument with my mom, and had a huge freak out, she said i was actin crazy, so i acted out and started hitting myself in the head with a glass bowl, that i had just got done making oatmeal in, oatmeal all over the ceiling and everything, i then started punching myself until i bled “i would never do this sober”. My mom kicked me out, i went to stay with an old friend.  Now 2 months later, i was trying to get my life on track, but still using dxm, I ended up getting into a fight with the person who let me stay there “this is the guy who got me to smoke when i was 11 BTW, my sister ex bf” He kicked me out, luckily mother loves me, she took me back in. Now back at my moms, i kept using dxm, i started talking to girls on myspace, went over to different girls houses that i didnt even know, did stuff i never thought i would do. Eventually this got old. I then meant the abother girl, who my sister introduced me too, she was beatiful, we got along right away, she had a job, a car, her own place, i knew i couldnt ever be what she wanted. We went out, i tried breaking up with her after a coupe weeks, because i was scared to fall in love again, she begged me to take her back so i did. I ended up falling madly in love with her, she beleived in me, she loved me for who i was, we had everything in common, she was perfect. We dated for two years…. we were perfect up until about 2 months ago, she started hating that i wasnt doing anything with my life, she hated my social anxiety problem, she wanted me to just get motivated and try, but i always made up excuses, id say ill do it later, or ill have a job dont worry, well 2 years later and my stupid did nothing…. Well last week were together everything was fine, sure we were arguing a little but nothing that made me think she would leave me. She went to work one day, and texted me that she wasnt coming home, and that she was staying at her aunts… soon she texted and said she is packing her shit, then she came and got it. She told me she would always be my friend but that changed after a few days, then 2 days ago she said she has a boyfriend and to quit texting her, i saw on facebook she go flowers from him, she seems happy, she is with someone that has a car, a job, no anxiety. I just cant believe she could care less about how i feel, i never cheated on her, i never hurt her, i always loved her so much, i would never do anything to hurt her. I just want to die, i hate my life, i always screw up, i never do anything right. I cant qut smoking without feeling, like killing myself ” i feel like when i smoke all of my anxiety, anger, sadness, everything melts away”.  I feel like i wont be successful, and i dont want to end up homeless, ill kill myself for sure before that happens…. I feel like im just not fir for society… This pain hurts so bad.