Apathy

Depressed over a romantic failure. How familiar does it sound? I was talking to her for almost a year, but she ended up falling in love with someone she knew for three months. It’s a downer. But why would she fall for someone like me? 24, living at home, can’t find a job, and really awkward. Yes, she said its cute and stuff, but cute goes only so far. And it happens again and again.

Looking into people’s eyes has always been a challenge for me. I stutter. I seem to have no control over the tone of my voice and my facial expressions. This makes me paranoid about talking to people. What if I’m misunderstood? What if I unintentionally offend someone? I guess that’s why I do horrible on interviews. I’m either too shy or too arrogant. Sometimes however, I see people with similar qualities but way better off than me. They have jobs, they have girlfriends, they have friends. What makes them interesting and makes me boring? Oh yeah, I don’t have any hobbies really, I guess I lack passion in anything. But how can I have passion when I fail at pretty much anything I try?

I do not believe in afterlife and I believe that your state of being after death is the same as before your birth. I am not of afraid of being dead, in fact, I lust it. But the act of dying itself is rather scary. I guess that fuse that wants to keep me alive is still not blown in my brain. So, I go on. Another thing, I know that I will be misunderstood by my family. But, why should I care if I will be dead? I’m not sure. I guess that’s a good thing that those thoughts are keeping me alive.

I do harm myself though. I have a pack of box cutter blades that I keep in the bathroom, sometimes I have them bedside. It just feels nice sometimes, sometimes it is painful. I cut my legs, because I don’t want people to see the scars. I hide everything, and I always put on a happy facade. Even if my heart is racing and my head feels numb, I still act cheerful. Or, I try to. But it doesn’t work. People still avoid me. Or do I avoid people? Do I push people away? I don’t know, maybe it’s both ways. For now I just gonna stay in bed for another day…ah, what a fun Thanksgiving weekend! When was the last time I talked to a real person?