This could be it

This is what could, as you would say “break the camel’s back”. I may have lost someone I considered a brother, but I could lose the only closest person after him… My sister (not related).

My sister and I have been close friends for close to about six years. We have spent so much time together and told each other many secrets. Even though I still act somewhat paranoid around her, I know she still cares for me and we love each other very much. It was only recently did we start talking again since there was a break in our education that allowed up free time. I remember being back together and just sharing good times again. When it was time for her to leave, she had apologized that we didn’t talk much but she really enjoyed spending time with me and said she missed having me around. This led to us spending time again on a weekend. We played games and went out to watch a movie and even had dinner together. I had revealed to her somewhat of what happened between me and my so called ‘brother’. She didn’t have much to say, if anything… She had told me her and my ‘brother’ (which is also her ex) had started talking again. That tore my heart out a little… Because he knows her and I are really close… It bothers me that he has the nerve to go and leave me behind but then quickly go to my best friend… I think the worst of people and I fear he is going to try and get back with her and take away the last person I could ever trust in this world… I will be crushed if she does decide to go back with him because then he has the perfect reason to take her away… I don’t mind them being friends, it’s just… I really don’t want to lose my sister.. With him, I’ve only known him for less than a year. With her, I have known her for six years. It’s one thing to lose someone I have only known for months… It’s another thing to lose someone who is basically a part of my life for a long time. If I lose her now out of all days… I fear I may lose my purpose in life… Lose the strive that wakes me up everyday…

I’m already on the path… I have a bottle of pain-killers in my bag 24/7. It’s aleeve so I’m not sure how much it would take to end it. I just plan on downing the whole thing. My arm is pretty hurt as well. I’ve never really understood why people would decide to cut themeselves, but I think it’s to help them forget about the emotional pain if the physical pain is worst. I only have one cut, goes from my elbow to the palm of my hand in one straight line. It hurts, but I have gotten to the point where I enjoy the pain rather than the emotion pain. I do have one thing to look forward to if I lose her I guess… I can make the majority of the people happy that I’m gone and I can rejoin my older brother… I’ll just really miss her most of all…. I really don’t want to lose her… But it just seems so apparent… I’m just scared…