I’ve done better. I’ve gone three days without cutting, but no matter how much I want to get rid of my blade I can’t. I want so bad to stop cutting so my only friend, Michael, will stop telling me he’s lost his respect for me. I want him to see that I am strong. I’m scared though. What am I going to do when I have nobody else to talk to. So far he’s the only person who even knows how bad my cutting really is. Some of my friends know I’m a “little” depressed, but they’ve never seen that my arm is covered from my wrist to my elbow in deep cuts. Every night, I close my eyes and imagine a happy thing before digging it into my skin. The cuts get deeper and deeper as my happy thoughts fade into thoughts about my past. I can’t seem to out run anything from my past. I can’t help but think that maybe I should just give up, but I can’t just give up because Michael would be upset. I really like him, but we’re just friends and that’s all we could ever be. I can’t stand people touching me. I get so freaked out that I cry and hypervetilate. I’m just not sure if I could handle a relationship. I want somebody to tell me that they love me, I want somebody to hold me, but I’m so damn scared of being touched…. I’m just scared of everything.
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Having been raped multiple times in the past i can understand not wanting to be touched. But if you want something you got to work for it. Ask a friend, who know your situation just to hold pinkies with u. Nothing big just enought skin to show your touching. Breath. And think happy thoughts. Do this till you can do it with out a negitive thought. Then hold hands, and continue till you can do it with out thinking negitively. Then a hug. Get used to being touched. I had to do this. I wouldnt even let my parents touch me.. let alone a doctor. It took me a year to get to hugs. But now im happier. I was able to get truley close to a guy i liked. But our realationship didnt work out.. he didnt like me the same way.. which sucks. IT hurt alot more. And i just want him to hold me.. but i remember just how hard i worked to let myself to even enjoy the feeling and i feel happy. I still cut, im still sucidal i still have numerous mental health problems. But being able to accomplish this no matter how little it may seem to others was and still is a big part in my recovery