The thoughts are becoming fiercer, more vigorous, more overpowering.
It’s been four months since I started my therapy, yet I feel no change. Each month since I was diagnosed, I told myself that I had finally hit rockbottom. Each month I told myself that now there was no way other than up. Each month. March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December.
I was wrong each time. It was never rockbottom. Every time I promised myself to try and get better and to make a true effort, something happened. Whether it was my mom driving me up against the wall with her hand around my neck, whether it was my dad telling me I am not good enough for college, whether it was the love of my life leaving me there on the ground: broken, shattered, alone; it was never rockbottom.
You know, a few days I broke down in my room crying. Just like every other day, I had my music turned up to full volume. I had my headphones on, desperately trying to separate myself from the outside world. Just like every other day, I lay crying on the floor. But, this time something was different. I got up, grabbed a few sheets of paper, the nearest pen and scribbled down words. It was scary, almost insane. I continued writing until I fell asleep at my desk. In the morning, I woke up and examined my work from the previous night. Every sheet of paper had a different quote scribbled on it. I recognized the quotes. I knew I had heard them before. All 51 quotes were comments I had gotten from all kinds of people over the years. Here, take a look at some of them:
“I wonder how you don’t get a harpoon up your ass every time you swim, because they mistake you for a whale.” – Daniel
“You disgust me.” – Adrian
“My eyes start burning just by looking at you.” – Nigel
“You fail at everything you do.” – Mom
“3 Euros…more than you will ever be worth.” – Max
I wish I could do it. I wish I could finally gather the strength and get it over with. I wish I could just disappear. I wish all these people around me could look past the mask I put on every day. I wish that I could look at my reflection in the mirror, without wishing to be anyone else apart from myself. I wish I weren’t such a pathetic excuse for a human. I wish my mom hadn’t taken away the knife, I would use every night to cut myself with. I wish people wouldn’t treat me, as if I were a fatal disease. I wish I could finally end it. I wish…I wish I were never born.
5 comments
stillbreathing,
you know what don’t pay attention to what people say ignor them.
You shouldnt let anyone say things to u like that. your life can be so much better if u believe it can , i promise you tings will get better just let them. dont let your parents hurt you or bring you down anyone who has a negative opinion on you is worthless anyway .
“Wow, you are good at remembering what people say.” – skyinsatan. Go ahead and write that one down. Any person who would say any of those things to any other human is someone who you shouldn’t listen to. You should take that list and BURN IT. But make sure you do it outside. Safety first.
Hatred. Isn’t it just that one word that can make one flip? I hate you. Those three words can wreck someone’s life. Some people are just the scum of the earth, their words don’t deserve to be listened to. Judging people is wrong, and remember, no matter how perfect someone may look, they have an Archille’s heel. Same the other way around. No matter how awful you or anyone else may think you are, there is something about you that is special. Something no one can take away.
To all the four people who commented: thank-you. I really appreciate your kind words, sadly not even those can pull me out of the hole I’m in right now. Some of those quotes were comments I had gotten six years ago…I don’t know if they’ll ever leave, if I will ever wake up and just have forgotten them. I wish I could forget…but like you said skyinsatan…I am very good at remembering what people say. A few years ago, I would always write down nice things people said to me…now it’s the exact opposite. I don’t like the girl I am now, yet I will probably never go back to being the happy, bubbly girl I was a few years ago.