I’m a gun owner and literally every day I spend the day convincing myself not to pull the trigger. I’m a single mom that had a pretty crappy life. I’m adopted but the family who adopted me is crazy. My mother is the worst. I’m not sure exactly what is wrong with her mentally but something is definitely wrong. Not only have I wished myself dead a few times but she has too. I’ve always thought she hated me by things she would say and fights she would get in with my dad when he would defend me. She’s always been jealous of me because of how close I once was to my dad. As I grew older, I’m now 27, an anger towards her grew strong. She could never talk to me like a human being, even as an adult. A few months ago I walked out of their house mad because of how she continuously talked to me in front of my daughter. She would show my daughter it was ok to talk to me like I’m trash, so my daughter would do it too. These several months I’ve tried talking to my dad telling him how I’ve always felt towards her. How terrible she is to me, but with all of their fights regarding me he somewhere down the line stopped defending me. He called me a liar numerous times, even went so far as to get the rest of the family involved by sending a mass email. The email talked about what a liar I was and how my mother has done everything for me. I felt no other choice than to give my side on everything. In doing so my dad sent another mass email saying I was dead to him and he was ok with not seeing my daughter again. Because of this I have contemplated pulling that trigger all day. My dad meant everything to me whether he was my blood or not. The only thing keeping me from finally ending this pain I’ve felt the majority of my life is my daughter. I keep thinking how ending my life will ruin hers. I love her with all my heart but I feel like I can’t be a good mom if I feel like this all the time. I just want it all to stop. I want to stop hurting everyday. I want to feel wanted and loved. I struggled with relationships because I always feel I’m being betrayed. I have such a hard time letting myself love a man. If I can’t love how can someone love me? I’m damaged and it feels no matter what I do I can’t fix myself. I’ve tried everything but no-one can help me. They think by bringing up my daughter the guilt will help. It just makes me feel worse! I write on here because I truly want help. I want this feeling to stop and go away. I want to live a normal life!! I want to get married and have a family of my own, one where I can teach real love and not animosity. I just don’t know how.
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Both of your parents sound crazy O.o
I hope you can find comfort in your daughter, who DOES need you and love you. Can you pull away from your parents and focus on her? (sounds like that would be to her benefit as well as yours)
And yeah, it’s easy to say “don’t pull that trigger because of your daughter” — I personally think that if I had a child of my own, I’d never even think about suicide. But that’s naive and I’ll never know if it’s true or not. Not feeling like you’re good enough or worth anything… those are powerful feelings. Have you tried therapy? Good luck to you…
This may seem harsh but, If you no longer live with them, forget about them. If you still live with them, move out!
This may seem weak, but try telling your daughter?(If she’s old enough to understand that is)
This is all I can offer, I truly hope you can find another way.
Good luck 🙂
I am sorry to hear that you lost your father in this way. I’m sure it makes for a very isolating experience/existence. But, you have to be strong for your daughter, period. If you kill yourself, who is going to get custody of your daughter? Your parents??? How will they treat her? What will they teach her about her mommy? That she was a nice girl who just couldn’t take it? Or that she was a crazy, terrible person who abandoned her and didn’t really love her? You can’t let them do that, for your sake and also for the sake of the future and mental wellbeing of your daughter. You may have had bad parents, but the cycle ends there.
I’m 100% pro-gun, but I don’t own one, because I know that if I did I would kill myself (or even worse, I might not kill myself, but constantly contemplate about killing myself and just kill any chance at any productivity). You need to get rid of the gun; it is more likely to destroy your family than protect it. Then you need to reach out to someone for help, and if you don’t have anyone, that means a professional therapist. Maybe that’s humiliating for you now, but it’s the best thing for her in the long run that you find equilibrium in your life. Don’t tell the therapist you’re contemplating shooting yourself with a gun you own unless you’re sure he/she couldn’t report that and cause you to lose custody of your child. Just get rid of the gun.
The comment by Jack86 has been very good. I subscribe to it, and I would like to add some things.
Being a female, you are softer than we men are when it comes about being hurt. Women take it deep inside and go into depression if someone abuses them psychologically. If someone abuses me, I fuck him up until he stops moving, because there is no worse evil that psychologically abusing and humiliating a person.
What is intolerable is that being them the cruel abusers it is you who considers killing herself. If someone deserved that, that would be them, not you!, Of course, you don’t have to do that but the point is that you have to rebel yourself inside and realise that you are not going to be the victim of those cruel abusers. That means, move out if you are with them, but get a job first if you don’t yet have it.
As per marrying someone, I would marry you right now, and like me, countless other men around you. You are 27, what a beautiful present for any man.
So, you are healthy, young and have the company of a beautiful daughter. That is wonderful. You have good feelings, you are sensitive, so start working in the direction of making things good for you. Dont stay there being the target of bullying.
Stay away from that gun by all means. get rid of it so as to not have access to it The reason is that a gun is only to protect oneself in case of an assault. A gun is not the company of someone who is depressed or emotionally distressed. There is nothing more beautiful on Earth than the love between a daughter and her mother. Therefore you cannot even consider destroying that. I would never forgive you if you did that to her.
So, make a plan, step by step. Completely ignore what those abusers say, because abusers and bullies are the worst kind of humans. To me there is nothing worse than psychological cruelty on vulnerable people.
Start seeking for a partner tomorrow. When you walk on the street, smile to all men you like. I do that to girls.
hugs
O
No I haven’t lived with my parents since I was a child, but for my daughters sake I’ve always tried having a close relationship with them. The story goes deeper than just them. A few months ago I was in a fire. My left arm was severely burned and skin grafts from my right leg were taken. After I left the hospital I was unable to go home due to the damage of my house, therefore leaving me at my parents house because I couldn’t take care of myself. The fire ended up being the root of our demise. My mother has wished me dead before but found it necessary to wish ne dead from the fire too. Being a woman, we feel all we have is our appearance. Men often don’t give a second look if they don’t like what they see. I used to be beautiful. I had a nice figure and I felt good about myself. After the fire not only was I scarred but I was put on a high protein high carb diet. Now I’m fat scarred and dead to my family. It’s a lot to take in and get over