I don’t think I am that messed up of a person. But right now all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. The root of the problem is that I am lonely. You see, all I ever wanted was a wife and children. I know, it sounds lame, but it is true. But that won’t happen. I came close, once, years ago. But two months before our wedding, she broke it off, because “God told her to”. since then, I have tried again, but I’ve never felt a connection to anyone. And I know that as far as problems go, that is not as bad as it gets. But I can’t get over it, and every day when I come home to my empty apartment, I can’t even bear to turn on the lights, because then it seems huge and empty and lonely. And I go to bed at night and pray not to wake up. The only reason I am still here is that I don’t want to make my mother sad. But that won’t last. And quite honestly, I think she should be happy for me to be free from pain. And objectively, the world has decided that I should not be in it. I just don’t know what to do at this point.
I’m not looking for encouragement, or validation, or advice. I just wanted to get this off of my chest. My friends don’t want to hear it. They’ve stopped talking to me because it isn’t important. And I get it. I just bring them down. so i was hoping to tell, and hoping that others here can relate.
11 comments
i understand. i have a girlfriend but i still feel lonely. i just want to get rid of my pain and maybe people would understand. i hope you the best and hope you find happiness some way and maybe it will be in life.
even if you don’t want this comment…
I feel the same as everything you’ve said here.. including the dream to have a wife and children being the most wanted thing in life..
instead, I’m away from my hometown in a college, depressed, alone..
I’ve even been angry with my mother when I get really suicidal.. Why won’t she let me die? so, I’m sorry.. and I know.. 🙁
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean I don’t want comments. I meant that I’m not looking for anything other than people who can relate.
I want to find something else to live for, but i’ve been trying for a couple of years now, and I can’t. I have hobbies, a good job, and until recently good friends. But none of that matters once I get home and the darkness and quiet are the only things there. So thats where I am now. Things aren’t going to get better. The only question is how long I can hold out.
yeah, I only have acquaintances now.. and the hobbies that keep my mind occupied..
but I have a small hope that things might get better.. it’s an irrational hope though, because I’m never seen evidence of that..
maybe you have a small hope too.. and that’s why you still continue on your path against all odds of change?
No. At this point it is too late anyway. I’m sorry, I wish I had something better to tell you. But as for me, that chance has passed.
that’s sad.. because in all honesty.. It sounds like you’re a better person than me
(I don’t mean to assume that you have a better/easier life.. could be better or worse than mine.. idk.. )
I couldn’t stick with religion when my life went to hell even though my family is very religious.. and you still are able to separate work and personal issues.. that’s a great skill I don’t have 🙂
Doesn’t sound lame at all. I can relate.
And it’s a *****. Supposedly there are “other fish in the sea,” but we know there aren’t, not really, not like THAT fish… and even if there were, and we somehow managed to stumble upon them, we’re no good to anyone. We fail.
Makes more sense to die than to live a life that you know will never be happy again, doesn’t it?
So why isn’t there an EASY way to end it. Sigh.
Shua, obviously I don’t know what you are going through, and I don’t want to tell you what to do. But as long as you can, appreciate her :). *edit- didn’t realize that was you in the previous post. Love is a beautiful and terrible thing. It is complete vulnerability. It opens you to utter happiness, and utter sadness. Loss like that is terrible. And I’m afraid I can’t tell you what the future holds. Maybe this new girl can make that eternal spark in you flare again. Maybe not. I hope it does though.
Shadow, I wouldn’t say better… I am an empiricist first and foremost… comes with being a historian…and the immutable law of the universe is that success is good, failure is bad…obviously I am not successful :/.
Sad…pretty much exactly how I feel. I dated a girl for twice as long as my fiance. When we broke up, I wasn’t sad because that relationship ended, but because I still missed HER. And that won’t go away.
Ahh… I don’t think I could date someone else. I’d feel like I was faking it, and I’d feel guilty, and I wouldn’t be happy… so… better to be alone? But then, I like being alone more than most. People are very draining. Are you still in contact with her? TORTURE.
I’ve definitely had those days where I open the front door and it’s dark and I just stand there paused with the finger on the light switch… wait a moment…sigh… then flick it on. Only to say “I’m home”..quietly to no one.
I understand & I can relate 100% with ur words & feeling. How long can you, me & the rest of the lonely people out there….who knows. I wish for a change, but fuck God