I just can’t keep it together

I tried to kill myself on halloween, vodka and sleeping pills, the cowards way out right, i was rushed to the hospital then a psych ward. My outlook changed, my close brush with death maybe. its been a week since i lost my friend in a car accident, i heard about it 3 days after, im losing it, why did she deserve to die, i dont want to die but the voice in my head that left after halloween is back, i was going to spend my winter break with her now im going to be visting a funeral, i think its time to switch to a shotgun, i dont want to have the opportunity to seccond guess a reason to live