I think my meds are junk…

i went off mine after 20 yrs of the chemical lobotomy that helped endure living with a control freak I was in love with – who was unable to love me back.

I had panic depression and was begging for him to notice I was alive as I raised our kids. He would just stare at me. Problem. What problem. You are fucked up. So I became fucked up. I was alone. Sick inside for being spoken to as a person. As though he would talk to me like a normal husband. I wanted what I had – I wanted him but he was something I never HAD. He put up with me. He married me as a favor. Stayed with me because it was the right thing to do. I was dying inside.

So the panic got worse. Didnt know WTF it was. Depression from fucking satans ass hit me. Hospital. Meds.

20 yrs later husband gone and remarried and does all the things w her I always wanted to do with him

He lured my kids away with money and blamed it all on me.

I have no one left.

I quit the fucking meds – tried to go off them for yrs numerous times due to side effects – some of which you describe. The wd was almost worse than the initial problems.

If they had just told me it was panic and gave me some benzos I would have not gone through yrs of hell. But the fear of panic made me depressed because I had no idea what was wrong.

Triggered by him looking right through me. Taking all my control because he knew what was best – told me his IQ was higher than mine on our honeymoon. Took away my wanting to help write checks for bills, learning about investing, wanting to work to contribute. He said NO I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.

And when the mariage ended he took away my ability to survive because he stole control from me all those yrs

I got off the meds when I injured by back. I had been taking them every other day with little wd issues. And then I said fuck it. Went off cold. It has been hell.

The wd is fucking shit. No wonder SKB is being sued by those who took the poison and were lied to.

My brain cant make seretonin anymore.

It is raw.

I have lost everything.

I went back to school cant find work – I am educated. thanks to the eco collapse and being a SAHM to a control freak I am SOL

Endless cycle of looking for work – then no supportive people for my depression – no help at all. My BF dumped me because I had no job. He had some openings at his business and would tell me about them – I would ask if I could work for him. NO ANSWR. I fell for another control freak who liked to see me suffer. He is a sick fuck and that is why he did not marry until he was mid 40s and had his first kid then. His wife left within 2 yrs of marriage. His kids is sweet but I see the all kids of fucked up coming.

Endless cycle. I have cut out very damaging people in the process of getting of the med. And even though I know some meant well – they were actually helping me take the jump to my death. Others were just users because I was an empath and helped them. ALL THE TIME. They were not friends.

So I had enough of the meds. I decided that I wanted to know the old me before I ended my life. I stripped my brain of the shit that caused horrible side effects and apathy. My brain has been awash in fucking sand.

I may not make it. I doubt I will. Its this cycle of hell. I miss my kids so much I wish I were fucking dead. Just that alone causes unspeakable agony. It drops me to my knees and if I had a gun I will blow my fucking head off when I think about them.

Just to end the pain. On that alone. I loved them so much and adored them. I was not perfect but no one is.

My family cannot understand why I feel suicidal due to the loss of my marriage and my kids hating me because of it and they are being poisoned by my ex. He doesnt slam me obviously. He does it covertly so no one sees the real him.

I know what he has done but he smiles at me and pulls the innocent look. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF he says. And he knows he fucking did it.

I dont want the meds. I dont want this hell. Like you I hate the side effects.

For me – I am middle age. I have no money left to pay for the meds let alone food.

My family is gone.

My brain is fried.

I know what I wanted but losing my kids was the worst.

I lost a boy who was like a son to me. A friend to suicide.

Empty. Alone. No hope.

Sick as it is I have hope for all of you.

I have been taught to hate myself and think I am not good and I dont try hard enough. How hard was it to be in a dead marriage and raise two children? To lose them? To apologize for shit I NEVER FUCKING DID. OVER AND OVER.

Some meds work for some people.

As a long time med taker and one who probably should not have been on this toxic poison so many found out has long term horrid effects – everyone is diff.

You made need a diff combo.

You have a right to speak up and find answers to your side effects.

I feel for you and pray someone can help you sort it out. I realize you feel pretty badly and I hate it for you.

PEACE