Night of all nights

its a horrid night so i think i may post several things tonight and be one of those ppl that fill up the forum, so i apologize in advance. but sometimes im so very trapped in my mind i dont realize what is going on around me, or the things i do or say (yes this is an add on to the one i just posted)

its irratating sometimes because i have lapses in time, that arent lapses. i know what has gone on around me, but im not aware. if that makes sense, its like nothing really matters when im in one of these episodes. it, ugh im trying to explain it which proves to be difficult. okay… so i know what has occured or what is occuring, but i really have no part in it. its like someone else is doing it or whater, im just a passanger looking out on the world from the back seat, who has the glorious moments of driving from it.

like here is an example. i was walking down the street with my friend, he on the sidewalk me in the street, and there was a car coming directly at me, and im seeing it occure from something simaliar to a dream, so in my mind i pass it off as if its unreal, much like a dream. my body keeps walking, and i dont really tell it to, its like auto pilot. so im walking head on at this car, and eventually my buddy notices and pulls me onto the curb. in that instance i snap back to reality, knowing full well what happened, and oddly not giving a shit.

so yeah…

when i black out, its like in one second im here, doing this one thing. and in less time then you can blink, im in this other place(or same place, doesnt matter) and events have occured, i am faintly aware of there occurance but i dint exactly know what has occured. its very confusing and frustrating to have the need of someone to explain what you/your body has done in this time period. lol just try it sometime. its not great.

when i was younger whole weeks could elapse between the time i blackout to the time i awoke. and when i black out it seems this predominat angry person wakes up. i would do some horrid things i tell you, like drowned dogs strangle chickens butcher cats. it used to bother me, but me and he are much the same now. and there are fewer black outs and short time periods so, i guess im getting better? or im blending. either or i dont care.

sincerly – shatteredglass