Not even the sunny days can make me smile

Breakdown. Well not yet. Nothing is well. I am really close to the edge. Certainly there is no one i can admit this to. I want to cry myself out at this very moment because so much has piled up and i put  everything in my little drawer and now everything has fallen out and what a mess. Look at me, i am just sitting in the middle of everything so mad and frustrated,embittered so that is probably why i can’ t cry.  I get up every morning and i am going to get up tomorrow too, well maybe around noon since it is  late now. I can’t sleep when i am like this. i wish i could just throw something in the mirror on the wall, smash it and then i would feel calmer, right?! It sounds like it would help in a situation like this when i am barely controlling my angry emotions. It is worst than being sad. I am not happy with my current situation, i live in this wonderful apartment but it is really expensive and i feel guilty because my parents are paying for it, and i obviously can’t find a job since the whole country is fucked up and i am still at the university. I also don’t like my roommate she is so annoying in the last few weeks, with her boyfriend spending every day at our place. i feel so uncomfortable when they around. She changed a lot since she started to date him. The worst thing she isn’ t happy with him at all, she cries all the time and asks me for advice. How am i supposed to know, i ‘ve never been in a real relationship. ( she also repeated it a few times, how i am inexperienced and unable to tell the difference between love and a random liking.) Then there is college. I am missing classes because i am to depressed and i failed all my exams. I can’t make myself study. I hate this laziness, when previous year i was studying so hard, i mean i have always been the type who would rather  stay at home and study on a Saturday night than go out. I am completely lost. I just want to stay in bed and sleep through the winter. I am so upset because i have so many things to do and so many people to see, and i don’t want to. i want to avoid all these things. I know i can’t. My love situation is at the same level as it was 5 years ago. I know i am young but i just wish guys would like me for who i am. I feel that i am only interesting when i get drunk. And i am afraid i may be pregnant. It sucks, i don’ t remember this night, we got really drunk and apparently i ended with this older guy. I am not even sure how he looks like. I really hope i didn’t lose my virginity like that. but ofc it is my fault. I want to scream so badly but i would wake up my roommate and her bf. Fuck it. Fuck it all. Just fuck it.