I am a bit off, when I was younge my father raped me. But I do not hate my father for rapeing me or making me watch porn, I am a bit up set for not being able to be completely innocent but I do not hate my father , in fact I am abit sorry for him for being as perverted as me with the male gender. Ever since I can rember I have Dream of porn or sex dreams. I have dream of being abused and watching other people getting abused. At one point I felt horrible for having a dirty mind, I […]
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I’m tired of trying to be like I was before; happy, etc. I just want to take a break for a little while. I’m not going to cut, or at least I’ll try not to, but I’m not going to really be happy either. I think that Trevor doesn’t like me. I’m not using any buts this time. No hope for it. I’m done with him. For real. No crawling back. Thinking back on it, he’s probably at least 25% of why I was so unhappy before. I just don’t care about him. I mean, I don’t even want to think about him. Or any […]
I don’t know why I feel this way. I use to be a mellow, laid back person. I worked hard, but only if the benefits outweighed the costs. I graduated high school, got into a university. I did everything I was told to do and everything that was expected of me. My whole purpose had been drilled into me to get to college. Never anything else. Now I have a job and attend classes. No one even looks this way now. As long as I continue to work and take classes I am ignored. Until they want something of course. My father, does not even […]
False praise kills. Â I am told often that I am talented blah, blah blah. Â I can’t believe this. Â To do so would be arrogant. Â My inner circle does tell the truth. Â Significant other does not touch me because I am too fat for his liking. Â I was a size 00 when we met. Â I now wear a 2. Â He says he can only love me if I am thin and blonde. Â He says I am stupid. Â I’m in a doctoral program because at one time I wanted to prove to him that I was not as stupid as he says I am. Â Â There are […]
I hadn’t posted in a while .. had to pass by to let y’all know I’m doing better
Of course, this didn’t happen overnight .. It required commitment to one decision, a lot of willpower and taking action based on that decision
Around mid-october, I took the decision that I wasn’t going to kill myself .. I was tired of thinking life could be worth it one day and to hell with this world the next day, I had to pick a side to put an end to the confusion .. It was one tough decision to make because it went against a burning desire to check […]
For years I’ve been miserable. At night in high school I would lock my door at night before I went to bed. I would stay up until 3 or 4, or sometimes not go to bed at all. I’d cry and listen to music like a lot of insecure guys would like me. just made me feel worse and worse. Somewhere around 2, i’d finish my homework. And then get up at 630. High school=tiring.
College was better, but not much better. I started taking adderall since I took some and felt okay with myself for the first time of my life. Something like loving myself. […]
I was watching a favorite show of mine when suddenly it wasn’t funny at all anymore. I’m the kind of person that does not laugh much, if at all. This show used to make me crack up, but now it’s only a small smile here and there for me. So one day I was watching the finale of the show, smiling and laughing a little, then it was revealed that one character seemed like he was going to end his life.
Then another character, making fun of him, fakes shooting himself in the head, his mouth making the noise, not […]
I found the light, but I don’t have a fucking clue what to do with it. XD I really don’t. I’m not joking. I’m happy, but I feel like there’s got to be something more to it than this. My head is spinning from all the ideas of where  to go with my life now that I’ve cleared the road.  I just don’t know. I feel deep in my heart, somehow, I feel like I need, yes, I said need to tell Trevor what I feel about him. Strange, I know, but since I gave my life to God, I get these feelings sometimes, and when I […]
i tell her that i need to go to a different school, a school where there are only a few people so if anything only those few could pick on me. but she won’t let me leave this one. she says life is full of obstacles and people who won’t like you and people who you won’t like either. stay in this school so you’re prepared. well hey, does the “real world” consist of nobody liking you? does the “real world” consist of thoughts of suicide? does the “real world” push you to the fucking edge? did you try to kill yourself because the “real world” ended up just like school?
Breakdown. Well not yet. Nothing is well. I am really close to the edge. Certainly there is no one i can admit this to. I want to cry myself out at this very moment because so much has piled up and i put  everything in my little drawer and now everything has fallen out and what a mess. Look at me, i am just sitting in the middle of everything so mad and frustrated,embittered so that is probably why i can’ t cry.  I get up every morning and i am going to get up tomorrow too, well maybe around noon since it is  late […]
I used to be a very happy person. In fact, I was that loud and annoying kid who was always laughing and didn’t care what others thought. I do well in school; I dont really try very hard and I get all A’s. I have friends; they all think I’m the happiest guy alive. At school, I still act happy even now; I don’t want them to know. I have a girlfriend; a beautiful, sexy, funny, silly girlfriend, and I loved and still love her very very much. But on October 1st, 2011, she sent nudies to one of her guy friends. When I found […]
I feel… dirty. All of my friends call me innocent but they don’t understand. They rely on me to help them through their issues and I always try but how am I supposed to help them if I can’t even help myself? I have… family issues. When I was about three, my family adopted four kids: Amanda, Jason, Jacob, and Anthony. Anthony would undress me and I’d always be to week and scared to stop him. He would sneak into my room at night and pin me down. He did this for more than half of my life. If it weren’t for my parents, he would’ve done it […]
(Sorry for the sarcastic title; I use humor to cope.)
Hello, I’m Ghostly. That’s my username in place of my usual, more personal one. I feel like this may be the best place on the web to deal with suicide openly and honestly, so here I am supporting those who feel alone in this, and potentially talking people through some tough times, and I’m glad that’s what’s going on here. You are all very kind.
Maybe “helping people” is an overstatement, or a little premature. I’m just glad there is some forum to talk on that isn’t monitored to death or trashed by trolls and idiots. I’d […]
a week ago i met a guy that admited liking me and i like him problem is he lives at my friends house for the summer (which of course is how i met him) anyways i have to go down to my friends tonight we are all making cookies for my sister’s friend who is dying of cancer.my problem is when him and i met he asked me something which i said no too but to wait a while i told my friend now her mom knows and he knows i told everyone but my mom knows if my mom finds out she will not […]
to begin, i don’t even know why i’m bothering to write here. desperation, i guess.
on the internet i broke away from communities, i got involved in some pretty nasty self-detrimental whole weight issue ones and though
that whole communal thing was great ultimately it just led to health deterioration. i kind of got out of it, i mean i’m still alive.
i’ve already tried once: to do that whole self-dying thing. it didn’t work. i woke up, rolled out of bed, and went to my eight hour shift/job at the time.
continued on as if it were a normal day. i didn’t think i’d wake up, […]
Iknow that this might sound cheesy, but it can hurt more th an you think…teenage heartbreaK.
I know the topic is weird to think that somebody would attempt suicide over it, but it happens to me a lot.
The first time my heart broke was when I asked out a guy who me and my friend I guess really liked but yet she still encouraged me to ask him out. So after school I walked up to him and asked him out he said no. Now you’re probably thinking m well can’t you find somebody else the answer is no. I can’t just get over […]
So it’s not really getting any better. I was informed by my exs bestfriend that he will be back Monday. Because of him the hole school knows how screwed up I am and I know when he gets back all the crap is going to start again. Its pretty bad that there is a group of people at this school that hang out because we are suicidal. But we all look normal so it’s not like we are the emos. The only one that hasn’t try to kill theirself is a guy named Austin that has for some reason taken a liking to me. But […]
Something I wrote years ago expressing my only real goal. I was raised southern baptist. And while most people fell on their knees and bowed to god I wanted to be one. And I read some of the Torah, Quran, a lot on Buddha, the Hindu deities, Shinto etc. I figured that I’d wipe the slate clean and just give all beings the chance to create their own universe to their own liking and they could be free to interact or not as they will. None of this forced acquiescence and forced submission that currently exists. If so many ideals, rules, expectations, mores, traditions, religions, […]