i have learned that i am very sadistic. hurting people brings me pleasure, and i really dont know why. i seems like im going down the same path of my fore fathers. it brings exseptional join when its people that are close to me. but still there are some people i dont not nor would not hurt. it only satisfies me for a very brief instant though, later i regret my decision. and i do sincerly feel bad. but still the cycle repeats, until i have no one left. and i really dont want to be this way but on some occasions it seems inevitable.
but even still i really do not want to be like my parents or the ones that came before them, but the harder i fight, the harder it gets to fight. i always reach the point where i give up and feel like i have no choice, and when i lash out there are catostrophic conciquences. i dont do the typical lash out and hurt people with my words ( i mean i do, but….) most of the time i get into physical fights. and people have been hospitalized and/or worse. its almost feels like there is a demon who possesses me during these moments. there are a few times i have blacked out and had no recolection of the previous occurances, and it used to worry me, but i dont physically fight anymore, i refuse to. but still i lash out and hurt people with words, which can be very dire on a suicide forum. and i know there is no excuse for it, but i really dont want people to judge me or be affect by me, in essence. i mean isnt this a place of understanding and acceptance? but really as i said there is no excuse for it. i just need to get my shit in order, (which is proving difficult because there is a wide range of issues i need to straighten out) i used to be so in control of myself and then the depression hit, and now well, my control is very lacking.
i dont really know why im posting this, i guess because i need to rant, but there are blogs for that lol. maybe i should join twitter, it would be easier.
any way thank you for your time- shatteredglass.
3 comments
i don’t know what to tell you hurting people for no good reason is wrong kinda like misery loves company perhaps? also what you give is what you reap. turn it around. you will feel better. if people make you feel like that stay away from them.
As I said multiple times before, you write very well!
I think that “the inevitable” can’t be avoided because we only see it AFTER the situation has occured <– wow, that didn't make much sense… You know you have to get your things [or, "shit" as you put it haha] back in order, which is a really good thing- that's the first step no one does- and that alone already tells me that you're so strong, and you DO have so much potential. I can definately relate to you when you said you feel like the Devil is controlling from inside you- we always fail to see that we are STILL in control of ourselves when we feel that. There is a battle between you and the Devil- don't let him win… [i won't get into religion] The devil can make us do nasty stuff, but i guess that's why we "ask God to forgive our sins" etc.
I will read your next post.
Nobody915
We all lash out brutha, but its always best to save it for the people who deserve to be knocked down a peg or two, and we all know who these people are, the OVER confident, the people too full of themselves to realize theres a bigger picture than themselves. Spilling innocent blood always works its way back to you, but hurt the ones who deserve it as i said. And if you were truly sadistic, you wouldn’t be reaching out to people for help. And those demons? Well theyre in all of us, its just our love of being bad, because honestly being good all the time day to day week to week would drive me crazy, but its all apart of the human experience, but its how we control our demons that makes a name for ourselves. I pushed so many people away from having a shitty attitude i have NO ONE, LITERALLY, its a lonely life, but im paying for all the pain i caused, and im accepting it.