What now

.. Have i ever thought i’d get to this point no.. im only 14 why am i here. What did i do to deserve this. I guess this is the time i’d share my story right? Exsplain it all get it out, wipe my slate clean. But im sure none of you care to hear my story. So if you dont stop reading, its not gonna be a happy one.

I was 3 when my mom kidnapped me, she abused me every day tried to kill me once out of jealousy, cause after i was born no one gave her attention anymore. Great mom right? after my dad regained cusody i got a restraining order agaist her, now 10 years later she tries to act like she cares by sending my dad cards and presents for me since she cant technically get in touch with me herself.

2 years later when i was 5. Thats when my life should have ended, it would have been so much easier. My grandpa raped me, till the age of 8 when he died, i didnt know.. i though this was normal.. i trusted him i was only 5 , and the one person i trusted most.. betrayed me..
When i finally told it was after i found out about his death, actually that very same night, i asked to go outside with me dad and i told him. He looked at me in shock i thought he was crying cause he lost his father.. but now i know it was much more then that. My dad called the police i went to safe and sound ( a place for abused children) and they did everything they could. They said i should grow up fine. With no complications, that i seem to have no long lasting effects. My grandma (jean) disowed me calling me a liar she hated me.. never wanted to see me again. I wanted to die. I was 8 but i didnt tell anyone.
3 months later my brother raped me. One time, i told my grandma ( terry) she told me never to speak of it again it was our ” secret” i did just that till 6th grade.

I started cutting, learning it helped kids handle pressure at school. It hurt at first yet, but oddly enough after i felt better. It was like the blood took all the feelings i felt out. But i wasnt that lucky to get away with it. I was caught and they sent me to a counsler. We talked for a while before one day i admitted what had happened. Charges were pressed but they couldnt do anything at the time. So the case was closed. I didnt mind.. i just continued on with my life. Even after being diagnosed with Mild depression, and ptsd

7th grade middle of the year ( stopped cutting) we got a court order, they found evidence to help me pursue charges, i was scared yes, but they told me it would protect other girls like me. So foolishly i said yes.

To escape the pain of my passed we moved half way cross the country. I was sad to leave my friends but it was probally for the best.

When i went to my new school less then two months into i was sexually assalted. After class the boy wanted to talk to me i ran out cry i was terriofied “no more” thats all i could hear in my head. I ran into a friend i was sobbing at this point and i broke down telling her what he had been doing to me for the past two weeks. She promised not to tell but i was foolish to think she wouldnt if it was the other way around i would, so i dont blame her for that. They pressed charges and he admitted to the act, one less stress.

i then moved to another city away from the school. I got settled and was happy finally moving on.

October 2, 2011
I went to court agaist my brother. Everyone sat on his side of the court room. My other brother, mom, uncles, cousins, my dads other x-wife. Mocking me. My dad couldnt be there cause he was also testifying. So the only person i had on my side was my Childs Advocate, which honestly made me go through with it cause honestly i wanted to die. ( I was cutting again at this point and my depression was growing severe but i didnt tell anyone. )
I was on the stand for 4 hours, getting pounded with questions, crying, and just wanting it to end.

After it was over i got to visit an old friend, from my hometown and spend that night. I attempted suicide at her house. But when i was cutting ( i was cutting deep) she wanted to come into the bathroom i freaked pulling my pants up and stand up i was shaking and put a towel on the floor. She thought i was going to the bathroom ( two of my other friends were there) i stood up walking out and we sat their talking i stood not wanting to get blood on anything. Thats when my friend brittany noticed the blood at my feet that was trickling down my leg she dragged me into the bathroom. ” whats wrong” she asked “are u on your period” i kept shaking i couldnt tell her, i just wanted to dissapear. She knew my passed and she didnt hesiate when she pulled down my pants. She shall the cuts 10 of them 2 inches wide 2cm down. “how did u” she asks as she grabed paper towels to put pressure. I pointed to the closet where she found kaitlyns pocket knife that i had stole. I was so embaressed. Then kaitlyn called brittany in i was crying now, i didnt know what to do. It wasnt suppose to end like this. She shut the door holding down anger snatching her knife. “Jessica needs to get in here, she needs to go to the hospital” i tried to fight them from getting me in the car but i was to weak. When we got to the hospital i got 17 stiches. They let me go home and no one told my dad. My friends mom covered my bills. Im grateful.

I came home and continued cutting on november 3 2011 i was admitted into the hospital after another suicide attempt and more self harm. I was their for 7 days when they let me leave. I continued but at that point was diagnosed with severe depression, ptsd, and anxiety. So much for growing up normal.

Decemeber 12, 2011 i was back in the hospital 9 days this time suicide attempt and cutting. It angered me i was either caught or i chicked out. Why couldnt i go through with it!! I was released December 21.

On new years i attempted suicide by drinking rubbing achohal ( not a recommendation shit hurts and it hard as fuck to die) They didnt force me to go to a hospital

Febuary 7 2012 i was back in the hospital cutting again i got out on valentines day.

Febuary 16 2012, i had my first seizure they called psuedo siezures, theyre like eplilemptic but caused my anxiety and are oftened linked with ptsd. Around this time i tried to quit cutting, and my body wanted to release the edorphines and as they built up my body released it the convulsions.

I delt with it as kids bullied me and harrased me. The emo girl who has seizures, i hated school.

8 months later i quit cutting i was so happy i was going to counsluing, i was getting over my past adjusting.

I got into a serious realationship, only last a month but i love this kid, I want to marry him. He was everything i ever wanted. We got together semtember 5 2012 broke up october 3 2012. on the 4 i cut again for the first time in 8 months i felt weak.

November 28, 2012

I was sexually assalted as a freshman in highschool, by a senior foot ball player. Im currently in an on going case. Im cutting again, severe again. I wanna die and i just dont see the point in living, I hate it i feel like theres a target on my back. My dad found out i was cutting again this morning, he seemed hurt but we havent talked about it since. Im trying to convince myself not to cut tonight, but honestly i dont care. Everything seems worthless.

Thats my story in short i now take 22 meds a day and ive been diagnosed with
-ptsd
-anxiety
-severe depession
-ocd
-psuedo seizures
-bipolar
-multiple persanaltiy disorder
– adhd