I know I’m new here. I’ve had these thoughts in my head for years, but no one understands me. My meds are off. I’m trying new ones, but they aren’t working fast enough.  Every med I’ve tried either doesn’t work or has side effects that are worse than the damn depression. Therapists have never worked. I’ve never found one that I liked or trusted. I’m afraid that the first one I talked to honestly would dump me in a looney bin or have me forcibly committed. So I can’t open up to them. Basically, everything in my relationship is my fault. Everything. When I try and talk to my wife, I’m accused of mental blackmail. I’m accused of being her punching bag. I don’t think she loves me anymore. For years, I’d make sure I told her every single day that I loved her. At best, I’d get an annoyed-sounding “you too.” I still love her dearly, but I know that I have done way too much damage to her. I get it.
Most of the bills are in my name, and most of the assets are in hers. I’m afraid if she left me, she’d try and take away my son. My four year old is the only reason I’m still alive. Financially, if she leaves, I’m completely fucked. Fucked, and without the one thing that matters in my life.
Fine, who can I talk to? I won’t dump this on my Mom, since she’s 700 miles away and wouldn’t understand. My Dad would just tell me to grow up and tough it out. My wife doesn’t understand, and the thoughts of suicide won’t go away. I think I’ve thought about it at least weekly, if not more, for 29 of my 38 years on this Earth. I pray sometimes, but God doesn’t exist in my life. I want to believe he is there, but I know nothing but pain. I want God in my life, but every time I go to church, I feel empty. I was raised Catholic, and I’m married to a Catholic, so I’d be on my own there, too. I’ve begged for help, but nothing. I’m just supposed to eat my emotions.
The only thing stopping me is Will my little boy ever forgive me? Will he even remember me? Or am I doing the best thing for him by exiting this hellhole of an existence so that maybe my wife can find someone better to treat her. Someone that doesn’t dump on her. That, and if there is a God, am I going straight to hell for ending it?
I know that this is a hell of a first post, and I’m sorry. I just can’t take this much more. I’ve fought this monster for 29 years, but I’m getting tired. I don’t know that I can do this much longer. I just want a reason to hope. I don’t have that anymore. I think now, it’s just a matter of how and when. I’m sorry.
4 comments
well i don’t know what to tell you i’m almost 2x as old as you,i think about ending it every second although i don’t tell everybody every day i try to help people feel better and smile that one reason i’m still around, your right about your dad but what do you want him to say yeah throw in the towel? like me at the moment the only way to beat this is to fight or die. you can keep fighting but you only die once! i wouldn’t want my kid to know i offed myself that’s not good for him either. sorry i can’t give you the magic answer if i knew it i’d be doing it. but i wish you good luck in your situation.
you can talk to me. I am younger than you are, but I have seen my father fight with depression my whole life. and still he is one of the most important people in my life, so NO you aren’t doing the best thing, if you think of your son, he needs you in his life. even when my parents separated, which doesn’t have to happen to you, my father stayed here for me.
Now i am a mess myself, obviously because I am here, so i can understand some of your feelings.
being as it is, i hope you will contact me and find some relief talking to me. you have my email written here, so feel free to send me anything you want to talk about.
best wishes
I just needed to vent. I am going to try another therapist, but I am skeptical. I keep going for my son. He’s only four. He deserves a dad. I just needed to know that someone cared. I can’t promise anything else right now except that I’m going to continue to fight, at least for now.
Hey there
I had some post underneath yours and glanced up here to see what you said.
What therapists will say is you can’t rely on other people to make you happy. Maybe you are relying on your wife too much. Sometimes marriages can be stifling, and one thing I always thought would have possibly saved mine was doing more shit on my own. If you rely on your partner for too much then they eventually just say fuck off to you all the time.
Take your kid fishing or something, give your wife some alone time while bonding with your son. Go for walks with him, stuff like that. If you can. Maybe she’ll appreciate it and have more time and energy to empathize. Don’t expect instant results though.
But dude, you can’t have this debt and asset situation going on either. Talk to someone you know who’s financially savvy about how not to lose all your shit when you get divorced if you think things might go that way, you’ll be glad you did. Or just google it, and don’t worry too much, all of her shit is your shit, even if it’s in whoever’s name. At least that’s how it ended up for me.