I have tried for a long time to break out of this. I find less and less reasons and ways to trick myself in to pushing harder to live a life I enjoy more. I can’t seem to do it. I think at the crux, I simply have lost the desire to live completely. I try for show. I go through the motions. I do what I’m supposed to be doing. But none of it really appeals to me. I’m incredibly unhappy. I know that it’s mainly out of frustration with myself… never being able to live up to any kind of potential I may have inside of me.
The desire and drive are just gone. And if your best efforts lead no where and not even close enough to accomplish one major goal you have set out for yourself… It takes a large toll psychically.
I feel like clawing my skin off to break free from this stupidity… People encourage you to simply change everything… but it seems more hypercritical than anything else.
The things I wanted were so small but they were everything. Years of failure and I still can’t seem to just do it… and I hate that too.
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I got onto the website to write a post. I saw yours and you took the words right out of my mouth. Aren’t you tired of trying to be happy? Well I am and I have no idea were to go from here. But, what were the things you wanted to do?
Just live a life I’m proud of. Where I can do and have the things I want. A sense of belonging/ purpose/ love and care. Being able to travel and see more things instead of always struggling to make ends meet would be nice. Not feeling less than constantly. It’s not much. Just an average life I guess. What most people would call boring… which irritates me. As having been the outsider and always passed over… the constant underdog… when I see people throw away great things because of wanting excitement… I want to hurt them. I don’t of course… but as time has passed… I have grown more bitter… which I hate. I try to balance it and be accepting. But I think it’s the hardest thing to do.
I guess I’m rather surprised to find not one but evidently two others who feel similiarly to myself. I was the star, the prodigy, the angel-through and through. About a year ago for no particular reason, I lost all motivation for my hopes and dreams. On the outside, everyone still thinks I’m perfect. But in time, they will find, I hav failed them all….
I went from having too much responsibility to shunning it all. Now I am back on my way to becoming the beast of burden. Sucks.
I think you should make it three. I also feel that way, not because someday I had been the star of my family or something like this, but after I had failed on simple things in life I lost confidence in myself. I simply gave up on my life, and once more I didn’t have the courage to finish it all.
I’ve known happiness, I’ve known sadness, Ive known something from above and I have known something from down under. It’s not feeling anything at all that kills me.
The thing is I don’t find any reasons to continue either, maybe I have been a failure to others and society I’m sure, but I have not been a failure to myself. I’m happy with what I achieved, but for me it is over. I don’t want to wait to see what else is there for me, because after all I lived I know (I feel) it’ll only decline from here on. If I’m numb now how will it be in a few years time? Right now I feel good with what I am at the moment, don’t want to have thoughts of suicide when I’m actually really totally gone.
Blahh, forgive me, but could the numb feeling be related to grief?
no problem catch… its worse its a mix of everything, and in grief you can actually feel something. you know what no taste is? no flavour, no smell? i know you do 🙂 its worse when its related to feelings.
Got it. It’s like already being dead.
exactly 🙂