since 3rd grade i’ve struggled with trichotillomania. for those who do not know, trichotillomania, often linked to anxiety disorders, is a hair pulling disorder. many people think it is just a habit -like my mother- but it is not. my father believes this issue of mine can be fixed by using punishment, he’s fed this idea to my mum and she’s tried it. of course it didn’t work. my doctor suggested prozac -my mums against any anti depressants- i want it so badly. i want it so that i can have my hair grow back nice and thick, i want it because a side effect is suicidal thoughts and it’d be great as a little booster to push me off the edge.
but she wont let me have it, so im stuck feeling like this, dealing with this. everybody points it out, the fact that my hair’s gotten so much thinner within a few months. people always ask me why i ALWAYS wear a hat. they think im weird. odd. crazy. people i feel comfortable telling this to always just say, “why dont you just stop?” or, “you’re doing it to yourself, its your own fault.” but no, its not my fault i’m anxious all the time, they all make me feel that way, i cant control it. there’s hair everywhere. living a childhood with this disorder is difficult beyond belief and over the years it has torn me down. i have no self confidence what so ever, its terrifying. i’m never going to be beautiful enough…
if i were to die i’d no longer have to deal with this.
4 comments
🙁 I actually know about this problem of yours. I donated my hair to an organization that gives wigs to people who have cancer and other things like this. I wish I could help. I can’t say I completely understand what you’re going through, but I can understand how you can’t control something and people just say it’s your fault. That’s frustrating as hell. That’s like me being clinically depressed and someone just tells me to suck it up.
And the thing is, saying you’re ugly because you have thinning hair from a disorder is like telling a chemo recipient that they are ugly because their hair just falls out from the chemo. It’s just wrong and untrue.
The beauty is in your strength to keep going. If I could personally send you my hair, I would.
about the ugliness part- oh no, um i’ve always hated the way i looked, but now this is taking a larger toll on the way i see myself. i actually cant look in the mirror for too long before i break down. i’ve just been bashed on so much for this disorder (and my eating disorder) and i guess thats why i actually think im ugly. i have no good qualities left really so in my eyes im ugly inside as well which seriously means im just an ugly person.
ugh i dont know. but you’re sweet, thank you.
Hey don’t worry about what those fuckers think seriously! I play with my hair too, so just don’t worry about those dickheads when they want to try to force you to stop. I know that sounds blunt but I don’t mean it that way.
you’re right, completely right! i wish i didnt worry about what they said. but im the type of person who needs to please people. which is a horrible quality to have.. but i give in to whatever they say, i shut up, i dont really speak anymore. ugh its hard getting past this.