I will not kill myself. I can’t, I just have too much potential. However, I just have this urge to do it anyways. Half of the time, I want to live just to learn about the universe and the wonders of science. Yes, that is right. I only live in the name of science and the curiosity spectrum of my mind. But then half of the time, I tell myself that there is no incentive of living. Let me lay this down for you: I have amnesia (or maybe even Alzheimer at a relatively early age). My mind is deteriorating. My mind is the epitome of the phrase”Scatter-brain”. I am losing my memories and all senses of my identity each and everyday. I struggle remembering the last four years of my life… And the last four days of my week. I am trying to keep it all written down in journals but… I just have this resignation. I try and struggle. And to keep on moving. In hopes of being a functional member of society… I don’t want to be a burden, a log, a kink in the human race. I don’t want my potential to contribute to be wasted. But at last, it is going to waste. I am a kink in the societal view. I loathe myself for being so.
Anyways, I have spent the last few months trying to find friends that I knew but don’t remember. I have been blessed to find them as they have helped me try to recall lost memories and friends. Since I have met them, they have indirectly helped me convince myself that I can live a normal life by just simply being my friends. But then, dark, insidious thoughts begin to manifest and fill the empty spaces in my mind. While I was hanging out with my friends a few weeks ago before winter break, I felt distant. I felt like my spirit became disembodied, like I was looking at me and my friends happily socializing on television. Only I was the only character in black and white… I just don’t feel like I belong in a normal life. I don’t feel like I should live a life. I am just a waste.
Well, I am sorry for rambling and jumping all over the place. There is so much more I want to write but writing coherently and eloquently is beyond my abilities now.
4 comments
I understand the dark thought you are talking about building up when you are alone thinking in your mind, that’s been happening to me a lot recently. It makes it hard to enjoy life. I start thinking about all of the decisions in life I have made or need to make and start feeling like I’m just bad at life, and it becomes hard to do things that I use to find fun which only makes things worse.
Its good that you recognize your potential and have decided to not even consider killing yourself, because we all have potential no matter what we say or think; I have kind of done the same. Just hold onto that and try to hold onto any hope of things getting better, that’s what I’ve been doing and it seems to be working
Hello Vivaldi,
I think I may have gone through something similiar to you…i dunno. I also have lost almost half of my cognitive abilities. I have also experienced the disassociation of which you speak…I believe.
Have you an official diagnosis…not that I believe most of them anyway…but so I can get a better idea of the “symptoms”. That is all.
Peace
Ama that is what most call me it is an acronym for against medical advice
@Lifesconfusing I am actually still contemplating on it. I am just very aware the impact I may have on this world if I decide to carry on. But that dark feeling creeps whenever I am alone, usually at night. Little things trigger me to succumb to these thoughts. How about you? How do you cope with it?
@Amakua, Yeah, I am officially diagnosed with moderate progressive retrogade amnesia. But not depression or anything like that. My neurologists are still working on it.