I work in a restaurant.
I am constantly surrounded by knives.
God, it’s so damn tempting.
Music is what stops me from cutting…but I can’t really have my headphones in, and I can’t blast death metal in a family restaurant for some reason.
So what am I supposed to do?
It’s so hard not to pick up a steak knife and cut my wrist up.
The only reason I haven’t is thanks to my boss.
My boss is my neighbour, family friend, and my boyfriends father.
I don’t want him to be ashamed of me, because he’s the reason I have my job.
But it’s hard…sometimes I wonder if the urge to cut could ever outweigh my desire to please him.
What happens if I mess up?
9 comments
I’m glad there is something that you like. Personally, I play Skrillex so loud that I can’t hear anyone around me. You should try not to let yourself mess up, be preventative. Is the a job in the restraunt you could request that isn’t near knives? A cashier maybe? I know how an urge to cut is really hard to resist, so I hope you can find a way not to.
I work as a waitress. That’s safer than kitchen/maitenence/any other job I can do… But I might be able to ask the other servers to sort cutlery for me in exchange for something I can do for them. Thanks
Mentally prepare yourself before every shift. Write a big list of reasons why you shouldn’t cut & keep them in your mind. Constantly think about those around you, and remember you could lose your job.. Think about if your boyfriend found out. Let the consequence outweigh the temptation.
That’s part if the problem… It’s really hard to let it outweigh the consequence… Because sometimes I just want everyone to hate me just as much as I hate myself.
But making a list sounds like a good idea… Maybe I’ll do that. Thanks
You owe it to your boss/family friend to not mess up. You don’t need to please him, just keep him happy that you’re working.
More importantly, you owe it to yourself not to cut. Leave those thoughts in the darkest reaches of your mind and focus on the task at hand (preparing food etc).
Also, you need to learn to love yourself. I mean personally I hate myself with a passion since I’ve amounted to nothing. You, on the other hand, have a job, a home, a partner, many reasons to be happy and feel love for everything you’ve achieved and will achieve.
All it takes is a bit of aroha.
But that’s the thing. Even with all the things I have, I feel like it means nothing. I still feel like a mess.
And I feel worse because I know that I’m so much better off than most people… I hate myself cause I’m selfish and greedy.
I’ve never thought of love as a choice.
So how do I love myself?
Sorry I’m not sure what aroha means…
@ AscahIsBroken, I’ve never been a cutter but I can relate to the urge of just wanting to end it. I’m glad u like music, me too in fact I thought your title ” blood rush ” came from the song “bloodbuzz ohio” but i guess not since it’s not death metal.
How about if u start singing a song in ur head when u see a knife something to take ur mind off of it?/ Sing ur favourite song and slowly walk away …..
Yea, that actually might help 🙂
Thanks
Everything in the world doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t have love. To love yourself, you need to know yourself, and in order to truly know yourself, you need to know your worst enemy.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but in this case YOU are your own worst enemy.
Take a look in the mirror, don’t look at what you see, but look at what is looking back at you. That will tell you everything you need to know about your enemy.
Over time you’ll come to appreciate your enemy, and in turn, yourself. And then you shall never need to worry again.
Aroha is Love. And love is all you need. I hope this helps Ascah.