Decision time

Just a few things, vissual impairment, me and some of my family members disowninng each other, other family members expecting that I’ll try to make ammends with said disowned family, knowing that they want to have nothing to do with because of their express intent to not want to know me. So I don’t want to know them either..

As for this week’s surgery, I had eye surgery two times, but this surgery didn’t really work. It’s not cancer, but my depression from this, and from a few other things in my life, is like terminal cancer. I tried a slow suicide attempt but my doc took that away from me this week, so I’ll have to find another way. I want to look like I died naturally if I can. I don’t want to die, yet I’m gonna die anyway when I’m old. Don’t wanna die old though. Don’t wanna live through anymore depressive shit either though. I don’t care about “life getting better” like I thought I should. It’ll get better, then sad, then good, then bad, then happy, then sad. I don’t want the sad stuff. I’ve lived through enough sad things. I want to die happy. I wanted to die old and happy, but how much shit do I have to put up with to be a happy old lady? I’m scared of the afterlife, but I know I’m gonna meet my Maker no matter what.