The only place i really feel safe anymore is church, my friend andrew begged me for MONTHS to go with him and i caved in having given up on religion a long time ago.
Where was god when i got raped? Where was he when i asked for forgivness? To get past these feelings, to fight depression?
So i started going and i’ve started talking to a lady named candice, shes nice and is one of the youth counsulurs there. She knows a bit about my past, but i havent said much.. i’m scared their all gonna abandon me still. My trust, its so hard to earn.. i just want to be able to tell someone something. But the voices in my head keep whispering “no one cares, no one loves you, you’d be better off dead”
Also the youth pastor there is gonna try to help me work thought my depression by using scripture, i guess its worth a try, ive tried just about everything else already.
Honestly church is the only time i can let myself cry anymore, i go lock myself in one of the rooms upstairs and i can just cry letting myself get all the things that are pent up inside of me out, candice also talks me thought it. Thats the only way i’ve made it a week with out cutting. I almost broke last night, i want to quit so bad. But i cant all i want to do is slide this razor across my skin, deeper and deeper..
If i still cut like i used to i wouldnt mind, but now i keep needing stiches, i lost control in the one think i found control over.
Everyone there cant tell im hurting but they know just what to say they hug me , just when i need it to keep me from going off the edge.
I still think about killing myself every night.
One way i’ve thought of killing myself is drinking a bunch of water their for thinning out my blood then using my scapel to cut vertically down both my viens on my wrist. Then if needed stabbing it into my neck and cutting from there.
Another way is hanging, i dont have much of what you’d call “rope” but i have a lot of shoeslaces and i’ve already weaved them all together. I would just attach them to the top of my door frame, or to the top of my closet.
Another way is by swallowing a combination of my dads pain medications. Their room is locked but theres a laudry shoot and i’ve climbed up it before. I also believe my dad has a gun in his room, I’d just have to go search for it.
I wish i could just forget again, forget everything about my past, it just seems like it would be so much easier.
5 comments
The way you talk about hurting and killing yourself… Why do you hate yourself so much? Please don’t think the bad things done to you were in any way your fault… 🙁
As for god…well, I haven’t found any evidence it exists outside the minds of its believers…
Oh, um, what keeps you from moving on from the past?
i dont believe much of it.. i do believe thier is a god thought, just not the one in the christian sense i guess. Its just being with them, knowing they care for me.. It makes me feel better i guess in somesort, its just hard cause the only time i get to see them is mondays, wednesday, and sundays and the occasional saterdays. Its so hard not to cut, i just keep pushing 1 more minute.. 1 more mintue. Minutes become days and the days seem longer and i know if i’d just cut i’d feel better.
Its so hard fighting ijust wanna give up already
Not trying to offend you if your German, but your situation remindes me of Germany. They would like to forget there past to, mainly 1932-45, but they can’t!!!! They make them selves remember to hopefully prevent Nazi germany from happening again.
If going to church is helping you Brooklyn, then you should keep doing it. I find that having religious faith helps me cope with my days. I attend temple on sundays. I’m glad to hear that you’re trying not to cut yourself. Don’t give up.
I agree with Dave: as long as going to church helps you feel better, definitely keep going! 🙂 I admire you for how hard you’re fighting, and…is there anything I can do to make it easier? I just really want to help… 🙁