I have a mother who loves me, supportive friends, a good job, a decent home, my health… Why do I not feel better?
i  chose to make a life with an unsuitable man when I was young. Looking back I was self harming and it was contemptible selfishness  it hurt people. We even have kids who now hate me and I don’t blame them. Not only do they suffer because of me,  I’ve even taken out my own suffering on them.
I was 7 when I first remember thinking of suicide. I was in the school yard thinking how angry I was that my mother cared and it made it selfish to die. Really I was always that selfish, just too pathetic and cowardly to do anything about it. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for the bad and selfish things I do to make myself feel better.I hate myself for not being able to be the mother my kids need and not being able to help them be stable and happy. They’re more fucked up and unhappy than me and its my fault. The longer I’m here the more pain I cause. Why can’t I be terminally ill? I deserve it and would be released and not hurting anyone then. Maybe I have to stay as my punishment.
5 comments
Selfishness is a perceptive concept and even so, it is a basic human characteristic. Everyone human is selfish to some extent, the innate and basic need of self preservation. While you do wish to satisfy your own needs, do you also take the needs of others into consideration? If you do, or at least acknowledge the needs of others, you’ve got something to work with if you wish to balance out your “selfishness”. You said you hate yourself for being selfish. The first step is forgiving yourself for your prior actions and then moving forward in attempt to correct what you consider was wrong.
You are not satisfied in life and that is not something to be ashamed of. You need fulfillment and just because you have the luxuries that others do not have and don’t feel content with them does not mean that you aren’t worthy of them.
Concerning the title of your post, there is no such thing as a “right to be here” a “right to be suicidal”, in fact the basic concepts of “rights” is a fictional idea. Different people react differently to their environments. Just because you react to your given situation this way does not make you a bad person at all or exempt you from any “right to be here”.
The present is open to many possibilities, it’s what you do with your resources and situation that defines its value and how much it is worth living. Forgive yourself for your faults and take the actions now to improve what you have degraded and right what you have wronged. Best of wishes 🙂
Yes I’ve been dragging my heels and procrastinating on a correct decision I’d made 30 years ago: that life is a nightmare and I should clear out. All the mistakes just clarify my position, and I’m disenchanted with any motivations that came along. Now I could care less about having more things, a bigger home, a wife or kids. It would be nice for the nightmare to end, that’s really the only goal I am working toward.
I know the feeling. I have me health, a semi stable family, im way better off than other people I know, yet i wonder why im so miserable. I have no reason to be. I cause misery too, to people who are happy, because i cant be happy too. trust me, you deserve to be here more so than i do.
Thank you, but I am a pathetic coward. I can not sort things out for my kids, the 20yr old has blocked me on Facebook and changed his phone number. I don’t know his address. I didn’t dare answer my phone last night as I think it was my older son. It was late and his Dad has made up with him so they were probably together, drunk and wanting to cause trouble. Or maybe he was sat alone, feeling bad and just wanting a friendly voice and I ignored him. He is appealing against a decision not to allow him incapacity benefit on account of depression related disorders and is reliant on me sending online shopping orders to his flat, maybe he was trying to give me his shopping list and is hungry. I’m scared to hear his resentment of needing my help when he blames me for his situation. I try to find love as a means of escapism but no decent man has ever wanted me for anything but his immediate sexual needs. Maybe they can sense some of what goes on behind my braver and prouder facade. Maybe they can see the miserable pathetic creature underneath.
How do you forgive yourself for your actions that your own children’s mental health will never properly recover from? My eldest has consistently wished he could die for at least 4 yrs and has made attempts. He blames me. My younger son just hurled abuse at me the last few times I tried to regain contact n before he changed his number at Xmas 2011. He is an alcoholic from what his brother tells me. He has epilepsy and takes medication that can’t be mixed with alcohol. His learning difficulties and epilepsy could both be down to me smoking and pigging out whilst pregnant and the labour difficulties they were probably responsible for.