So I am about to turn 30 in about a month. Looking back at the past 17 years of my life (of which, parts of 12 years spent on struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts), it has been a roller-coaster ride. Here are some highlights. I don’t expect you to be interested in my life story, but if you have time, read on!
- 17 years ago, I migrated to Texas, and started in an ultra conservative high school. Language barrier was one, but being bullied non stop for not speaking English well was another. It was even worse being bullied for trying to learn English. My response was to channel all my anger of hatred of bullies into learning English harder despite all the obstacles that immature people placed around me.
- 13 years ago, I was a senior in high school with a bright future. I got better with English, and people were a lot nicer to me. But I had enough of Texas, so I left Texas, and moved to Michigan for college. I wasn’t used to the colder climate, and I ended up being sick for half of the first semester, received a lousy GPA, didn’t get along with fellow college kids that well…depression #1 started to creep in with the thought of suicide #1…. but I met a girl who was very nice to me, and we stayed as friends though we didn’t hang out all that much.
- 12 years ago, because of my poor GPA, I couldn’t apply to the major that I wanted. I didn’t fare too well in college classes either, so the GPA was a toast. Worse, I wasn’t motivated to attend classes either knowing that I couldn’t fix the GPA. I told my parents that I might finish college without a degree…they freaked. I did however ended up meeting an awesome friend from New Orleans, and again, we stayed in touch to this date.
- 11 years ago, my parents drove all the way to Michigan…and worked out a plan for me to declare a major….saying good bye to the major that I originally wanted. That was the turning event from depression #1. Even though I finally picked a major, it also meant that I had to graduate one year late.
- 7 years ago, I was almost ready for graduation. But I had troubles deciding what to do after undergrad. Even though I will graduate with a degree, I was so worn out that I didn’t have the drive for graduate school. But my parents told me “well, either you find a job..or you go to school.” I wasn’t having much success with job search, so I opted for applying grad schools. The stress was mounting with the applications and onsite/offsite interviews, and depression #2 started to come out. Six months later, I didn’t get into any grad schools. But…at the last minute, I got a dream job in Washington state. That put a stop on depression #2. Furthermore, the girl that was very nice to me…well, we ended up dating six months before we both graduated. I was in love before, and this girl was someone special, driving me crazy in ways that I never thought possible.
- 4 years ago, things started to take a dive. I was good at what I do at my job, but I started to lose motivation and drive to keep going. I undervalue everything I did at work, no matter how good of a job I did. Depression #3 started to creep in. The girl that I was in love with…well, she wanted to get married, but we had issues that were very fundamental and challenging to fix (because of her past dating history, she thought that I would cheat on her no matter what). I, myself, have depression to deal with too, so I was too messy inside to make any commitments and promises to her.
- 3 years ago, I quitted my “dream” job, moved back to Texas to start over. I also broke the engagement with the girl of my dream (it was a mutual and mature decision actually). She and I still stay in touch, and I am happy to know that she is married to someone else (I was devastated at first, but I got better). Depression #3 is still in full force, and the thought of suicidal #2 came around. I started to drink, so that I could push the suicidal thoughts away. But after each drink, it would come back in full force. At one point, I even drafted up a will, and started to assign my financial beneficiary to my siblings. I was trying to remove myself from having too many people depend on me, so that I felt I would be more justified to “escape”, because I wouldn’t be missed…. I would be invisible to them, like I never happened/existed. Alas, I was too chicken to jump out a window or kill myself for that matter.
- 2 years ago, I started attending local meetup events, thinking that having many friends could potentially drive me out of depression. But when they ask me “what do you do for a living? or anything new as of late?” I didn’t know what to respond. So they left me alone. After all, who wanted to hang out with a person like me who has lost all of his motivation and drive for the future? So having friends weren’t going to cut it. In a separate story, I had the unfortunate opportunity to meet a woman who turned out to be a cheater and any shared intimacy with her pushed further to an end for any ideas of meeting a woman who would truly understand me. I dreaded seeing her because of her promiscuous and unprotected nature (I used protection…always with her), so it wasn’t long before I broke it off. Even though she talked shit behind my back, she tried to get back with me, but I simply refused. I spent money to get myself tested…whew…thank God I am disease free.
- 1 year ago, for the very first time, I started seeking help from two mental services. Only to be told that no drugs in the world will help me, as my depression and struggles are all in my head (literally, told by a professional psychiatrist). Well, the good news is that I have no dependency on anti-depressant (because I am not prescribed with any). Fixing what is in my mind is rather challenging, because cognitive behavioral therapy can only do so much.
- Now…depression #3 is still around..and the thought of suicide still pops in from time to time. I haven’t met any woman or shared any intimacy with any one for almost two years. Do I regret it? A little (I miss lots of hugs..and human touch), but I am in surviving mode, becoming more and more of a misanthrope. I started to keep more to myself, and not relying on any ones to share my mental burden… I also stopped dreaming about marrying anyone in any foreseeable future. I may adopt kids when I am over 35. So my priority is now… a) get my acts together…climb out of depression myself b) if I fully succeed in getting rid of depression, I will adopt kids with or without a female partner…. Having kids are huge responsibility, so it is no petty matter. Fortunately, I still have time to think over.
- Future…. who knows. I will most likely be around…. but if fewer and fewer people depend on me….the thought of suicide will eventually prevail.
Well, feel free to comment… please be constructive though.
4 comments
How many people have told you your depression “was in your head”? I ask because I have found that for every good mental health expert, you will find 5 crappy ones. I honestly believe my son would be alive today of he had the good fortune of encountering one of the good ones. It is heart-wrenching to know his death could have been prevented if only he had seen a quality health care provider. Now that I am in this crushingly sad place, I have had to seek out therapy and it took a few tries before I got someone good who I trust and who respects me. Please keep trying. You may not have found the right help yet.
Hey. That was quite an interesting story. It kind of reminds me of my life story. I just turned 32, but I have not even been in an intimate relationship before and am still a virgin. Thankfully, I’m a teacher and at least I can earn a decent income. Like you, I had no idea what to do after I finished university, because medical school is insanely difficult to get into. I think many people can relate to your story. I’m still searching for the right woman for me and I would rather be alone, than to be with the wrong person.
@lostmybeautifulson, just one. She wasn’t opposed to prescribe me with meds, but she said that in her professional experience and in my case, no meds can change how I structure my logic inside my head. I do agree that in my life, I have a ton of mental burden, coming from my own thoughts/logic/rules/restraints, not purely chemical imbalance. So in her opinion, meds only temporarily hide the issues, just like drinking does. The moment that I told my parents that I stopped seeing the psychiatrists…my mother, especially, was elated, and said “good.. you are more mature now…”
My response to her statement was dumbfounded, and clearly, she knows me much much less than she realizes. I didn’t bother to correct her, because it would be futile. She used to be a registered nurse in a fertility clinic, but clearly, she did not deal too much with depression patients. I may seek another professional help, but I am not sure when I will do so again.
@Dave_N Well, I am happy to know that you can relate to my story. I may not be able to answer what I do for a living (because I haven’t worked for anyone for the past 3 years), but it is awesome that you are a teacher. What are some of your hobbies?
My two cents may not be worth much, but I do want to say that I am sorry your mom was not more supportive. Unfortunately (and I know this now looking backwards), people who have not suffered from real depression (not just a lousy day or few days) simply do not understand the utter sense of despair and hopelessness, the lack of focus, the lack of energy. It is my mission to make the world understand. But I also tell people who are suffering that they have to be honest. My son was incredibly bright, handsome, witty, musical–really the whole package. We were close. He told me he had been down. I made him promise to be honest, and he said he was, but he did not say the word “suicide.” That is a game changer. I hope if you are truly feeling suicidal, that you will reveal this to trusted people in your life. I also hope you will continue to seek out help. I have no idea if you need medicine or not, and it would be arrogant of me to weigh in. But I do know that you have had and continue to have a very hard time. It may be helpful to try some new approaches–like a new therapist, a support group, or even an activity that will allow you to engage the world. I really want the best for you. I hope you can find peace, comfort, and a sense of well being. I am in your court. If you want to write to me outside of this forum, you can reach me at my username at gmail.com. I send you warm wishes and support.