one reason why.

(might be triggering)

i’d say it began in 6th grade; they made me weak by pointing out my flaws. i had thought, why would anybody want me if i look like this? i began giving away my food because i didn’t want to be fat, i never smiled because i didn’t like my teeth, i didn’t talk much because i didn’t like what i often said. they persuaded me to hate myself.

so when he would pay attention to me, in 7th grade, i felt happy. too happy. he was the first to see my scars. he told me he cared. but he only wanted one thing..

it wasn’t him who started it in 8th, it was his friend. there were three of them at first, began with the ass touching, escalated to grabbing at anything they could get to, and then trapping me in corners until i’d give them what they wanted. they had told other boys about this, the girls had known too. the other boys began to join in, they taunted me. the girls began to think i was a slut. i tried to get them to stop but i was weak, they made me that way in 6th grade. they took away my voice. they knew so much about me, i trusted them when they acted like they cared, they knew what hurt me and they used it against me.

we were all leaving the school for high school; i, of course, didn’t choose the school they were attending. they had all apologized a few months into grade 9; i thought it was all over.

for two years i was free, still weak from the memories, but i had been free from the taunting, most of the belittlement. i grew stronger and learned how to say no to the dirty boys like them. i thought i was going to be okay.

then he messaged me. he missed me, he said. he wanted to catch up on good times, he said. what good times? the times you got to feel me up? the times i’d cry because you made everybody hate me? but i believed him. i thought he had changed… i went to see him; the boy i had the biggest crush on in middle school.

everything was good…. until he raped me.

i wasn’t even into boys anymore.
he claimed he didn’t believe me.
he said he was sorry.
i forgave him over time.
i went back.
he did it again.
he became my only friend.
i let him do what he wanted to me because i was afraid of being alone.

i was stupid. i will never forgive myself. 

and now, i’m weak again. weaker than ever. i’m broken. and i don’t know how to fix myself. i’m a slut and i’m not enough.