You disappear…
What have I done to deserve this?
I’ve always been the good child. The one who would eat all their veggies, do their homework, listen to their parents, do well in school and sports and yet I’m always the one at fault. Reading some of these posts, I really have no right to complain about my life because others have it worse than I do. I grew up with both parents, I’m healthy, and we don’t have to worry about money. What more could I ask? All I’ve wanted, was to have someone to love me or care for me. Unfortunately, some things in the past has led me to now have a trauma of abandonment and develop high anxiety, as well as trust issues. Due to this trauma, I basically cling onto others in fear of them leaving me (hence the abandonment).
Well, thanks to today, I can officially say I’m alone.
I was an idiot to believe those friends I had when they told me I could trust them. I was an even bigger idiot to share my opinions and feelings with them seeing as how they’ve all turned against me. Have I really done anything to deserve this? While this seems like it isn’t such a big deal, but to me it is. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old. I’m 17 right now, and I can say that not a day goes by where I question my existence and wonder why I still haven’t killed myself. I wake up everyday dreading that I’m alive and that I didn’t die in my sleep. I sometimes wake up crying because I don’t want to face reality and have to suffer through this pain. I’m at the point right now, where I really do believe I should just die and lift everyone’s burden away from them. I think about how much happier everyone around will be once I’m gone and I think about what my purpose is in life. My “friends” have basically made me hate myself more than I’ve ever had. I’ve always had a lower self-esteem than most people, so I take things a little bit more seriously than I should. I’m scared to talk to others about this because I fear that they’ll just label me as “the crazy suicidal chick” and the few friends that I’ve trusted enough to tell, all call me “over dramatic.” My parents don’t help and my last resort, my older sister, is so busy with college that she has no time for herself.
I really feel alone and worthless. Sometimes it takes something really dramatic to open people’s eyes. I wish that if I do decide to end my life, that it’ll have such an impact on my “friends,” especially the one that turned all of them against me, that they’ll realize what they’ve done. Congrats Lynh, you’ve honestly ruined my life and made everyone hate me for no reason. I hope you’re happy.
21 comments
“I’ve always had a lower self-esteem than most people, and tend to take things a bit more seriously.” This is me!! Unfortunately, if they don’t get it now, the are not going to get it even if you kill yourself. I have no answers, but don’t let what anyone thinks or does affect your decision for the future. And if you hang on, in a few years these people will be a distant memory and you’ll wonder why you ever thought they were worth it.
Thank you, your words mean a lot to me 🙂 Thing is, I’m still in highschool, and as we all know, you won’t get far in school without SOME friends. Thankfully, it’s my last year, and I only have 4 more months left, but I can’t bear the thought that I’m going to be all alone from now on. I know they aren’t true friends or worth my time and effort, but I’m still so afraid.
To Sorozen: I’m pretty sure Lost Margaret is right–your “friends” just have their eyes shut too tightly…
“All I’ve wanted, was to have someone to love me or care for me.” Oh…I…I think I’m going to cry… 🙁 If you told your parents you wanted them to love and care for you, do you think they’d understand?
I’m 17 and I literally feel the exact same way every single day. Some days are more of a struggle than others but I also feel left out. Know that you are’nt alone.
I can’t bear the thought of being all alone in a few years either. The one big plus to college life, however, is that you get a fresh start. Who knows? Your real friends could be waiting for you just four months from now. And screw the high school reunion.
I know that I’m loved and cared for by my parents (although me and my mother have a horrible relationship) but I feel like it’s the parent’s job to love their kids? I’m not sure how to explain this, I feel like their love isn’t because they want to, but because they’re your parents, they automatically love you. I should have specified and said I wish to be loved and cared for by someone I have no relation to :/ Thank you for your comment though, I greatly appreciate it.
Thank you everyone for your support 🙂 It truly means so much to me especially since I’ve done nothing but cry my eyes out since I got home. I’m actually really scared to go back to school tomorrow. It’s not as simple as being able to drop out and finish my classes online, especially not with the stress of college applications and such. I really am looking forward to college and getting away from all this negativity. I know that my “friends” aren’t smart enough to get into the college I’ve been accepted into so that’s one less thing to worry about.
Whoa, i have literally wished that same exact thing more times than I can count. I feel the same exact way about my family. If they weren’t “required” to love me and vice versa, we’d probably hate each other. I’ve always felt as though the sincerest form of caring is that which a person chooses. But enough about me. If you’re so close to being free, and you’ve survived five years of these feelings, what has suddenly made life this much worse? If it’s your friends, can you not avoid them without appearing like you’re breaking away? it sounds like you excel academically and have a promising future ahead of you, should you decide to go that far.
Reading your comment has made me realize things in a new way. To anyone, the thought of losing (a) friend(s) is surly painful and something nobody wants to go through. I mostly blame the fact that I had a traumatic experience when I was younger that led me to be so “clingy.” I really feel like I’ve been abandoned by everyone, so while I admit that I seem to be taking this “too far,” I just can’t help it. Sure, I’ve lost friends before, and I never seemed to care, however, the “friends” we’re talking about, were all my best friends. All of these “best friends” I had, have just turned their backs on me and ditched me just because one of them decided to spread false rumors. I’ve literally been crying for 6 hours straight, and I can’t stop. I’m scared to go back to school tomorrow, I really just wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could end my life so that I wouldn’t have to wake up and face them. I wish I could easily avoid them, but unfortunately, I can’t.
No, i agree. when friends leave, they take out a piece of you. As far as i know, people didn’t spread rumors about me, but the good friends i lost were simply due to the fact I was replaced. I don’t know how you define best friend, but it sounds like the people you trusted have betrayed that trust. I do know that suddenly facing an antagonist on your own feels impossible, but it may be the situation isn’t as life-threatening as it seems. You may find people are still on your side, that people don’t believe nasty rumors. Screwing up those last reserves of strength within you for tomorrow could get you a lot farther in the long run. Sometimes, just faking you’re okay and that their shit doesn’t get to you can protect you in the future. From what little i know of you, i believe you’re strong enough to face your “friends”. The hard part is believing in yourself.
You’re welcome! 🙂 Oh, um, if you’re talking about just a friend who loves you–I could do that, as long as you don’t mind that I’m male and 22. I promise it’s completely okay if you do mind, though.
Sorexen, I’m sorry to hear you feel that way, I cannot begin to imagine how you feel but I want you to know that whatever your are feeling is temporary. You can go to any ER and express your thoughts and you will be given help. I don’t know you or know your story, but be assured that if you left this world as you say you would like to, the tragedy would leave your family and friends with an emptiness that can never be filled. There would be no joy, no happiness in having you leave this world. Think about reading God’s word and know that you are never alone. God is always with you. It’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be hard, never forget, reach out to someone; family, teachers, counselors. God bless you.
Luckystar – Thank you. Your post this time brought tears of joy rather than the tears of pain that I’ve been shedding. And yes, in some sense I have been “replaced” as well, and ironically, 4 months ago, I had this same fight with the same group of people, except it wasn’t as serious as now. When things were resolved (basically I had to do all the apologizing as usual) I told myself that I wasn’t going to trust them or get close to them, however, I ended up doing the exact opposite. Guess it’s hard to let go of something you’re so used to. Just a minute ago I truly believed that I would end my own life, but your comment has honestly given me hope that there are genuine people out there. Once again, I’d like to thank you for the support you gave me to keep on moving forward with my own strength. You have been much too kind, I wish for the best for you <3
Blacklight915 – Haha no I don't mind, making new friends is what I need right now. Thank you for your kindness 🙂
You’re welcome 🙂 best of luck tomorrow!
Dnmnc – Thank you so much for the thoughtful words; rest assured I won’t be doing anything dramatic right now. I stumbled upon this blog just a few hours ago and I can say without a doubt, that if it had not been for everyone’s kindness and generosity, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. I truly thank everyone who took time off their hands to read my post and comment, it means more to me than I can describe. Just a few seconds ago, my dad came into my room and asked if I was okay and wanted to talk. I don’t know why, but I just got this feeling that I couldn’t end my life, not while my dad was still alive. I guess reading everyone’s comments has made me realize that maybe it’s not so bad being alone, and that maybe there are people out there that truly love me. Thank you all 🙂
You’re welcome! Thank you for not minding. 🙂
Oh don’t thank me, of course I wouldn’t mind 🙂
Oh my God! Where the hell do I start… I reckon everyone has the right to complain about their problems because in their life, their problems are as bad as can be. I think it’s a cop-out to not complain because someone else has it worse, more like people want you to deny that you’re hurting and would rather think that people who’re worse off should be more deserving. Um that’s true if you’re in the emergency room. But seriously, you’re living a life like everyone else, trying to live through each day, and there’re some who want to spoil that? Maybe they weren’t real friends. That’s sad, friends are meant to be supportive.
Soroxen- I know exactly how you feel. My life would seem great on the outside, but on the inside its hell. My friends replaced me with some new guy. I cant go out in public without attracting hate. I have high anxiety and low self esteem. My dad is horrible to me. Im so glad to see that there is one other person who seems to have the exact same experiences :/ what i usually do is just drown everything out with music 🙂 try that 🙂
To dnmmc,,
As much as the idea of leaving friends and family behind woulb be painful to them is right, sometimes friends and family wait till after the person’s suicide to suddenly realise what they’ve lost. Some people aren’t appreciative of that person until they commit suicide. So really, if people are going to feel hurt and empty after finding out that their friend or loved one has killed themselves, then maybe they should have taken a little more time to express appreciation for that person, instead of denying that suicidal people aren’t getting the help they want or need.
I’d understand if the people were supportive of that person who died, I’d understand that the pain of losing someone you tried to help would be really terrible. But I’m sorry, if people don’t want to accept that their friends or family need help, and only after the fact do they say, “Oh wait, I really love so-and-so, why couldn’t I help them…” then maybe the suicidal victim had a reason for leaving the family behind. I find people to be very selfish for trying to stop someone from committing suicide if they know that they’ve chosen not to help them with what lead them to that choice. Mind you, if you’ve helped someone through grief, I’d sympathise with trying to stop them from killing themselves.
MichelleJ – I understand the point you’re trying to say and I appreciate you being supportive and yes I do agree with you on the fact that true friends should be supportive, but looking at a positive outlook, I can honestly say I’m somewhat thankful for this because it’s made me realize just the type of people I was surrounded with. I lost sight of who I really was. I know losing a friend isn’t that big of a deal and I’m sure you read this thinking I was being over dramatic, but it’s different for me. If you read the top of my paragraph, I stated I had a terrible fear of abandonment and losing others affects me way worse than the average person. These were people that once meant so much to me; people I trusted, cared, and even loved, yet they threw me away. And you know what, I’m fine with that. I woke up with the mind set that I was not going to let this ruin my life and stop me from doing what I love. There are always road blocks and if everything in life was easy, there wouldn’t be successful people to share their hardships and experiences with. Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it.
Hugoka – thank you for your comment 🙂 at a time like that, music did not help me whatsoever, but rather what got me through this, was everybody’s comments and support (including your own). I know EXACTLY how it feels to have friends replace you once they get a boyfriend or girlfriend. It makes you question how much they value your friendship. Unfortunately, there are more bad people than good in this world, so I guess it just comes to show that you really can’t trust everyone.