Why I’m so messed up

From the age of around 2-4 years old i was abused for the first time, my old babysitters son grinded against me when he was hard and i tried to get away from him but being a child he was much stronger and would not allow it. When i went to kindergarten another boy would try to touch me and i pleaded with him to stop but it didn’t end till the year was over and he had violated other girls as well. When i was five years old i begged GOD to kill me everyday. It got to the point where i wrapped a bad around my neck and pulled, my mom saw me do this and said simply “get the bag off your head” then walked away from me. My parents divorced when i was little and like every little kid i wanted them back together, not like every little kid my grandma took it upon herself to make me her source of comfort. My grandma told me my mom cheated on my dad and that she broke his heart, i hated my mom for so long because of her. Then my grandma abused me sexually as well, i didn’t want to go to her house after that and i was often frightened of her. She’s also the reason i cant say I’m angry or sad or upset, she used to give my dad bloodied lips when he said he didn’t like something. When he tried to move out at 21 she smacked him across the face. Now I’m 14 and I’m suicidal, there’s not a day that goes by i want to do it and i sit there thinking about it. I feel guilty for even writing this, i feel like I’m hurting other people and making an inconvenience to them, or burden. I cant explain myself enough because no matter what i do i think its my fault. I love my boyfriend to death but if I’m being honest even he contributes to my suicidal tendencies, he raped me before… i was crying during the whole thing and he didn’t stop… once he finished he told me he was sorry… So i don’t know if i should continue living anymore… he calls me worthless and its my fault for listening and not leaving and angeering him but in all honesty i don’t want to leave him, it scares me.