Is life even worth living anymore?
I have been trying, struggling against suicidal thoughts. I have been getting help, but it is still not working. I am scared, scared that I won’t live to become a teenager (I am not yet in my teens). I cry and cry and try to tell my friends, but I’m scared of their reactions. I hate myself because I am not strong enough, they are so strong, no matter what happens, they don’t think of suicide. But me? I can’t stop thinking of it. I am scared and hurt and I need help but I am too afraid to go up and talk to someone, my parents wouldn’t help me, ever, and I can’t tell my friends. The people at my school would laugh and either say I am doing it for attention or that I should go die. I have to lie every day: whenever someone asks if how I am I say I am fine even tough I am the complete opposite. I now the saying “People don’t cry because they are weak, they cr because they have been strong for too long” but still, every time I cry I feel weak. I hate it but I can’t do anything about it and I am slowly starting to lean toward the option of suicide. I am terrified though, I am terrified and I am in agony. I don’t know what to do anymore. Is life event worth living? I ask myself every day, I am starting to think the answer is no.
I cut myself, I do it because it turns the emotional pain (which I can’t deal with) into physical pain (which I can) and it makes me to want to kill myself. But lately it hasn’t been working. I go around, my eyes pleading for someone to notice, but no one does. I have been working my hardest to keep it from my friends because they have they’re own problems and don’t need to deal with mine, that s a very difficult task, though. I am dying inside and I am terrified of what will happen to them if I do die. I don’t want to leave them but at the same time I feel like they would be happier because they won’t need to know I am in pain because I won’t be anymore. I am scared that one of these days am going to break, but it won’t be like all the other times I have broken, I am afraid I am going to shatter. Shatter so bad that no on will be able to pick up the pieces. I don’t know anymore whether I should keep on trying to keep that from happening or if I should accept the inevitable and just do it. Kill myself. Commit suicide. Whatever you want to call it.
I am so scared because I want to end it but I don’t want to hurt my friends like that. I really need someone to talk to but I can’t talk to anyone around where I live.
13 comments
Life is always worth living. Please don’t harm yourself. For a pre-teen, your writing is very good and easy to read. I think you should tell people around you how you’re feeling. Is there a teacher at your school who you feel comfortable talking to about your feelings? You need help before it’s too late.
No, I have trust issues because of my parents, some kids in my school, and some of the adults in my school so there is no way I am turning to them… I know I need help but I can’t ask anyone around where I live to help me or to help me find professional help which is part of the reason I came here… Also because I am afraid… Also thank you… I just wrote it like I would write anything…
You should really tell your parents about how you’re feeling. They need to know how bad things are getting for you. I’m a teacher as well and helping kids is part of what I do.
I can’t tell my parents though… They are one of my worst fears after what they did to me… If I tell them, I can’t even imagine what would happen and I have a very big imagination…
I just want you to know that i am crying for you and for your pain. Maybe that isn’t comforting or sounds like bullshit. Hypocritical since I am thinking about suicide too. I just wish I could take your tears as much as i can for you/with you. If you like writing as a way to vent, can always email “Jo” from the Samaritans. You can tell them whatever the hell you want. I did that a few years ago.
I don’t have a clue what the Samaritans are.
Samaritans – ‘good samaritans’ are a charity but mabe they don’t exist in your country.
Do your parents abuse you?
Is there a councillor at your school you can talk to? That way your parents will never have to know you’re talking to anyone…
I hope you hold on a little longer. School really is bullshit, you know, but if you get through it things might change.
Did, and no there is no counselor that I can talk to…
It wasn’t exactly abuse though… It’s hard to explain…
Do you want to talk about what your parents did? Or maybe it’s easier to talk about how it made you feel?
northurep@gmail.com you can talk to me
No, not really…
Ok. If you want to talk privately you can email me as well as aftershock. In the mean time, I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that there are a lot of people who care.