On TV or in books the protagonist is always described as “ordinary girl”, someone that just looks like no one special but turns out to be very special to just the right boy… People always want to stand out, be that little bit extra pretty, extra smart and just special. I just realised from the very beginning that I had no shot at being special in a good, charming way and extra pretty never kicked in either. I lost the “cute” when I turned about 12 and it just never came back. Instead I just grew tall, and big and insecure. I faked confidence well by being loud and outgoing. I became the girl everyone knew as the one who was always smiling. People loved it. They would say to me “it’s so cool, you’re just always happy!”… I couldn’t let them down of course. The only reason after all that they liked me was because I was never sad. I shoved the sadness deep inside and kept smiling at people all while hating myself. The hate is eating me up. It’s crawling in under my skin and it is tearing at thought I have. I dream about it when I’m asleep. I can never escape. I wish so badly I was just anyone else. Someone just ordinary. Someone who might find someone to share things with one day.
That’s the biggest reason why I just don’t see why I should go on. I know I will die just as lonely as I am today, no matter how long I wait. I know that if I lived until I was 80, that would still just be year in and year out of being absolutely alone. My friends are starting to get engaged, and they move in with their partners, have kids and take holidays together. They get flowers on valentines day and have someone to say goodnight to at night and good morning to in the morning. They have someone they get to miss when they go away. With every person around me that enters that world I will stand out even more, when all I ever wanted was to blend in! I just wanted to the same as everyone else. I just wanted the same things. I wanted the butterflies, the anniversary, the first Christmas together… I wanted a family. When I know already now that it will not happen to me, when I know already now that I will be left alone in a world where you’re meant to find your other half, that person that loves and adores you… why should I wait? Why should I drag this out? Why not just accept defeat now? That is my biggest problem. I just don’t see what I could possibly have to wait for. The thought of and endless string of lonely days and nights, feeling like the freak I am, until all of a sudden it all ends and I have nothing that I dreamed of as a child to look back on… it just breaks me inside. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop thinking I was never meant to be.
My parents struggled to conceive for 6 years before they had me, and when they did I was born so early I nearly died very many times. I know now though that I was meant to already then. I was never meant to be. I shouldn’t be here, because I have no real purpose to anyone. If I could I would erase myself right now. I would just remove myself from the world and from anyone’s memory. I’m just a failed, disgusting waste of space in this world anyway. I really, really just want to die so that I don’t have to stand there with my shame when it becomes obvious to everyone that I will always just be this gross, smiling girl that no one really cares about. I don’t want to be anyone. I just want to be dead.
5 comments
How tall are you?
It’s hard to be in a relationship but its not normal. Be proud and accept to be single. You get to be independent and don’t have to rely on someone else dreams or goals. But I know we want love in our life. Instead of waiting take the action. Try to meet people. Go online dating, clubbing interact with men at your work, school, church, or even walking to a park. Whatever it takes dont give up. It’s difficult to try in thinking of all the worst outcomes but you may never know until you try. At first it may be awkward but it’s not the end of the world. Keep trying and you will find your charming.
175cm/5’8
I’m not against suicide but if all you’re missing is a husband, I would suggest online dating as well. 5’8 really isn’t that tall. It’s taller than some girls but most men don’t really mind as long as they remain taller than you.
The online dating world is filled with more men than women – quite a large pool to choose from. There’s no shame in it and it would be something I would use as well if that sort of thing still mattered to me. Dating online should give you plenty of options, just try not to be too picky.
I’m not sure what anyone has to lose by trying online dating to be honest. It seems like a logical way to find a mate.
I really wish we could edit comments, but another thought I had was that if you do online dating, you can start with a fresh slate. You don’t have to be the girl everyone wants you to be, you can just be yourself. You can show exactly what you what to show without any pressure to be something you’re not.