Have you ever woke up, and was to sick to even think about getting out of bed? And by sick I don’t mean physically sick, I mean like emotionally sickened. Have you ever woke up and questioned your own existence? I just feel so selfish to even have these thoughts. I have everything I need and more. How come I’m not happy? I don’t even feel like being here anymore. This place just isn’t for me.
 I’ve tried to explain these feelings to someone before but it doesn’t really help. They usually just say “oh I’m sorry, I understand, I’m going through stuff too.” So then the subject changes to them, I give them advice that I don’t even take myself. Then they eventually feel better, forget about what I had even mentioned and move on. And this okay, I wouldn’t want them to stop everything there doing and worry about me. In fact I don’t want anyone to worry, or feel sorry for me. That’s not what I’m searching for. I just want help. I can see myself changing. I used to be that kid with a good head on her shoulders knowing she had the world in front of her, with a whole life full of opportunities and was always achieving and setting new goals. That’s when I was happy. That’s when things were good. When I had friends because everyone wanted to be around me because I was just so much fun. No one wants to be around someone who’s sad. Some one who thinks about ending there own life everyday. Because sadness can be contagious.
 I don’t understand these emotions, maybe I am just some annoying
Emotional teenager who’s ranting about some bullshit about how there not happy. But for some reason I feel it’s deeper than that. But I don’t think others will understand. That’s why I just keep storing all of inside buts its just becoming to much. I know this may sound selfish but for once just once I wish I could pour out everything I’m actually feeling to someone. I wouldn’t want them to cry, or worry, or even give me any advice. Just listen and maybe care a little. I think it would help to know someone actually cares about what I’m feeling. Not that I don’t think anyone cares about me. I know I have people that love me like my mom and brothers, even if they don’t always act like it. I know the amount of pain my fathers suicide left me and my family with, and I would never want to make anyone go through that again. I just wish I knew how to stop being so fucking sad. But it’s so much easier said then done. Cause sometimes I do get that burst of hope  . That feeling that yeah things will get better. But somehow I always find myself back here in this hole, that seems almost impossible to climb out of. And I don’t know what to do. Is there anyone who can relate to this?
7 comments
This seems like a good spot to vent that stuff, its anonymous and people here are going through the same type of feelings. I wish i could tell you that everything will be okay and your life will get better but I cant. I can tell you that if you can manage to keep your head up long enough you may find a way out of this depression.
I feel the same way… If you want to talk email me… xjapanduhx@yahoo.com
That was a really generalized comment but I actually do feel exactly the same as you. I know what you mean, you feel like everyone always worries about themselves with their minor problems and you would go around the world just to fix it for them, yet the second you just need someone to listen to you no one wants to. You feel like everyone uses you and that maybe you are over-reacting at some times and that really you’re life is not that bad. Yet here you are again, back where it always comes back to, you’re miserable and just wish everything would be better. You don’t quite know if you really want to go through with ending it all yet it does seem like the better choice at this point. Trust me I know… I live it every day… seriously emaill me I would love to listen to you
Savannah,
You sound so much like me at your age. I commend you on your thoughtfulness toward others. You are definitely one of the jewels of earth and I want you to stay. Have you seen a therapist? Back in my day, there were no anti-depressants, no meds to help. But I was fortunate to find a good therapist who really cared and helped me keep hold.
I know about that hole. I describe it as being at the bottom of a well so deep that I could not see daylight. Inch by inch, I climbed out of that well, with my therapist’s help, my emotional hands and fingers bloody. Once at the top, once I climbed out, I swore I’d never let myself go near the edge again without asking for help.
I take Lexapro now and it helps. Nothing cures, but it sure helps. I know that deep deep pain, eternal sadness, and part of it is chemical. Your father probably had the same chemical make-up as you do.
You deserve so much more! I’m so sorry you are going through this. In seeking a therapist, do not go to one who judges you. You don’t need more weight on your heart and soul. It can be most difficult to find the right therapist.
I really believe in your case that you have a chemical imbalance, and that can definitely be helped with modern pharmaceuticals.
All best,
Vedura
After reading that… I care – I wouldnt be able to give advice considering I’m in just as rough of a spot and I know you may be needing someone in your life to listen and care, but I care – and if you need anyone to listen, e-mail me: agreygirl@hotmail.ca
Thanks for the comment. It would be nice to seek professional help, but I don’t even have any idea how to explain this to my mother. I have tired a few times but it always just ends in oh it’s okay things will get better, but there not. How should I go about telling her all this, I’m also horrible about explaining this situation, I thought about just writing her a letter about all this but I just think that’s too dramatic.
Is there a counselor at school or a teacher you trust whom you could tell? When I tried to kill myself, my mother’s first reaction was “Oh, she’s always been dramatic.” My therapist’s reply, the man I was assigned to in the hospital, “Well, your daughter’s drama, as you call it, almost killed her. Don’t you think we should do something to help her?”
Do you have an Aunt or Grandmother who might really listen to you? You have to be heard. This is serious, not drama, and you seem like a perfect patient for medications that help with chemical imbalance. Please keep looking for someone who will listen to you and not call you dramatic! You so deserve a better life. Please!