Failure

i can’t even begin to recount the times i’ve tried to kill myself – i started in 2nd grade – i’ve been married nearly 20 years – 4 children –

i’ve been hospitalized twice – once as an adult 2 years a go

i’m not diagnosed as personality disorder – but as i’ve read about it – i’m pretty sure i am – but this total break didn’t come until a family member did the most treacherous betrayal deed that could be done –

i never grieved the horrid act against me – but my child –

that was 6 years a go – and for me – it is like it only happened last week.

to say i’ve had every stressor even is an understatement – i had major life saving surgery after the first botched surgery – my SIL died – FIL treachery – my dh job moved us 1000 miles away – left a church under difficult circumstances.

i’ve tried to cope – even though it is laughable.  i don’t want to leave a legacy of suicide to my children – but i feel i do them more harm than good – and these mom’s who are so godly – die of cancer – i don’t want to hurt anymore -and i don’t want to hurt others -  i so desire to cease to exist.