It is possible

I wish I would have found a site like this 6 years ago.  My life once so full of promise, senior in high school, on the dean’s list with a life of grander ahead.  Started down a bad path.  I think I’ve always been bipolar.  The highs are never better, and the lows can’t get any lower.  Started experimenting with drugs.  Found my drug of choice in pain meds.  I was good at hiding the pain on the inside with a happy face on the outside as long as I was numb enough to not care any longer.  The addiction got worse. Drinking and driving after a fight, I was involved in a police chase. Arrested on felony fleeing and DUI.  Thats when things really went downhill.  After 2 years in court and $20,000 later I was able to plead my case down to a misdemeanor charge.  During that 2 years, I would find myself up at all hours of the night, still attending college for a BA in Engineering.  Failed out due to the drinking, drugs, and just generally not giving a shit about my life any longer.  From there I experimented with this new drug that was hitting the streets.  Bath Salts.  The high rivaled that of ecstasy, made me feel happy, for however short of a time.   Little did people know at the time (like I said this is when this drug first appeared) that drinking while taking this drug is not a great idea.  But I couldn’t care any less about life.  So I did as much as I possibly could get my hands on, drank as much as I possibly could, and slit my wrists with a cake cutter.  Yes, a cake cutter.  If anyone doesn’t know it is as sharp as a plastic butter knife damn near.  I nearly had to use it as a saw.  I completed my goal.  I waited for death as I wrote my friend a sorry note for doing it in his bathroom.  I was awaken to them knocking the door down and finding me in a pool of my own blood.  Many stitches later, a stint in the psych ward (which did nothing for me) I was back out.  But I felt different.  It was like I was almost being given another chance.  I said fuck it.  If I am going to be stuck on this piece of shit planet I might as well and try to make the best of it.  Got back in school and now I am almost completed with my BA in Engineering.  Do I still have those dark moments, where I still wish I was done living this life that seems all to scripted? Yes.  But I found doing things that bring me closer to death make living worth it.  There is nothing like jumping out of an airplane solo for the first time or driving a snowmobile at 80+ through the narrow winding trails.  Do something completely out of character.  Because hell, why not?  If you die, you got what you wanted.  If you don’t, then you sure had one hell of a ride.  I feel like I am better then ever before.   No more drugs (consistently that is, like I said I was an addict, and once an addict always an addict),  stopped associating with people that don’t let me reach my potential, and an attitude that just says fuck it.  Good luck to everyone else.