Do you ever feel like maybe your purpose in life is truly to kill yourself? I honestly feel that way all the time. I trust God with all my heart and I believe that I have a purpose, but I also have this underlying feeling that my destiny is suicide.
It’s kind of crazy, not that any of you know me, but if you did, I would be the last one you’d pick to write the above statement. A few people do know about my anxiety and eating disorders, but even they would never suspect suicide. There’s those people, dark and mysterious, that you know must have some pretty intense secrets, but then there are the people who seem happiest and most content that in actuality hide the most secrets of all.
I just feel this dread for the future. Like if I kill myself now, it will just all be over with. Maybe I should have killed myself a few years ago, at least then I would have died before everything fell apart. The thing is, I please everyone before I please myself, and this situation is no different. If I kill myself, I would affect a lot of different people’s lives. My friend, who already put me down to room with her at college next year, would be out a roommate. My teachers, who all tell me I brighten their day, would struggle to try to remember any warning signs. My little sisters, who look up to me more than anyone else, would probably grow up and develop mental illnesses of their own. My parents would cry and tell everyone they never saw it coming, when in reality they just ignored it. People would blame each other and wonder why someone seemingly so happy chose to end it all. How do I explain to them this feeling?
4 comments
I feel like I was put on this earth to become very successful and wealthy. But ever since I developed all these mental disorders and schizophrenia, I think I’m just gunna kill myself. It’s too much for me to handle, I hate going thru all this pain everyday.
Hey hon. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re suffering so badly, but please try to be strong. There are a lot of people who need you and you recognize that, which is a good thing. God sent you here for a reason and that reason is to make our world a better place. And you are doing that right now by just being yourself.
I’m a teacher myself and I would be devastated if one of my students committed suicide instead of coming to me to talk about how they were feeling. Please, talk to your parents or a teacher that you feel comfortable talking with. Don’t harm yourself. You sound like you really brighten up the lives of a lot of people, but even angels like you need help from time to time. God isn’t ready to take you back just yet. You’re needed down here. 🙂
Yes, almost every day, I really have no clue what I’m meant for other than to die. I’m not sure why I haven’t done it yet, I think I’m just waiting for something to happen that changes everything. No one would suspect me doing such a thing, I make people laugh, I’m an entertainer, I seem happy on the outside, but on the inside I’m insanely depressed. I’ve brought up killing myself to people, but they just shrug it off, ignore it, or think I’m not serious.
In the end I figure I’ll end up killing myself, when that time will be, I don’t know, but hopefully something changes.
Hey, I know this post is old and everything but it came up on google after searching “is suicide my destiny?”. I’m a reasonably long-term member on suicideproject (aware of the irony) and I had to sign in to reply to this because every word you wrote, coupled with RareHumanSpecies comment, I could have written myself. I’ve often wondered this myself as every so often I feel like things are getting better but then a series of events always leads me back to the same conclusion and I end up asking myself if this is my destiny.. just like you said yourself, If I had died way back when I decided to leave, I would have been remembered as just a lovely troubled person and so much heart ache and struggle would have been avoided..Alas, the years go by and things don’t get better only worse, my feelings stay the same, it’s only my circumstances that change. I don’t want anyone to hurt or grieve for me, I don’t want them to blame themselves and live a life filled with regret and resentment, I don’t want them to become me! I just want them to forget..to forget and accept that I need freedom from this plane rather than make me hopelessly hang on for them and watch me deteriorate. I bet my life that these very people would agree to euthanasia if I was terminally ill and in pain, but after all isn’t that what this is?
I try to tell myself that I have this soul purpose and all the things that happen I have chosen for myself.. that ending it all would be a dreadful waste of time if I am to be reincarnated to experience all of this again until I learn from it.. But what if some people’s destiny IS to commit suicide, for the sake of some divine ripple effect.
I could be struggling to deny the very thing that I’m supposed to do. I want to stop hurting, I need to be free.. but people find that so hard to comprehend because they don’t see as I see, and feel as I feel.
It turns out taking your own life is a very difficult thing to do. Every attempt has ended in hospitals, medication, shame and embarrassment. If anyone lives in the uk i feel this would be a lot easier if I could just get a gun or be shot by the police.
I’d like to know if you guys have found hope, peace and are still with us.