Setting it back all up again in tears.i know that my past failures were not absent of my mstakes,so i wont sit here to blame any1 in particular.i may get a job soon,and i just miraculously came by some cash..i do not need to pull down the past structure of my life to build a new 1 because its already on the floor.i prayed for a new begining,so i am now going to work my ass out to get it
February 2013
Well as you can see above (Phobias from Hell) are the root cause for my want of self destruction. I know this is somehow cliche with my appearance, but I can’t change a stereotype.
Since early childhood I have had an irrational, severe phobia of doctors. I can’t even go to the school nurse with out a panic attack. To go along perfectly with my fear of doctors, I’m a hypochondriac to the extreme. When I was 12 I was convinced I was dying of colon cancer and (tad graphic, sorry) at any moment I would discharge blood from my bowels and that would be that. After […]
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this can’t happen, no, no, no, no, this won’t happen, no, no, no, no, no, this is just some sick twisted joke, this is just a misunderstanding, the computer or whatever messed up. no, no, no, no, it won’t can’t shan’t happen, but it is. why, why me. whhy not the next person. why not no-one. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I won’t stand for it…
I keep forgetting about this site
So I’ve actually gotten better. I never thought I would but looks like I did.
I fucked up last night though. I was a mess. It sounds really stupid, but I think the one of the reasons I hadn’t cut for two weeks was because of my bracelets. My bracelets are hard to get off, and I didn’t want to take them off. I was being extremely self destructive, and I can feel that while typing this. My pinkie finger is fucking up bad, mainly because I pretty well crushed it. My arm is burned, because I decided to drip hot […]
Please share your stories.
On TV or in books the protagonist is always described as “ordinary girl”, someone that just looks like no one special but turns out to be very special to just the right boy… People always want to stand out, be that little bit extra pretty, extra smart and just special. I just realised from the very beginning that I had no shot at being special in a good, charming way and extra pretty never kicked in either. I lost the “cute” when I turned about 12 and it just never came back. Instead I just grew tall, and big and insecure. I faked confidence well […]
Anyone one here in a relationship but still wants to commit suicide?
The reason why I ask is because that’s the only reason why i want too
Two years ago a girl i knew commited suicide. no one saw it coming and at first i didnt beleive it i couldnt beleive it. she seemed so happy all the time. we were really close friends but we had a falling out. She changed a lot but she still seemed happy and everyone who knew her loved her. i didnt beleive it at first when they told me. i was angry i thought she was so selfish for doing it i hated her for doing it. i had thought about it a couple years earlier but i didnt. so how dare she? now after […]
I cannont handle this. I am numb and everything hurts. My best friends  mom just broke his laptop on him so now we cant skype. I love that kid so much. My 16th birthdays in 4 days and I think march 1st sounds like a good suicide date. lets see what happens huh? I dont know anymore. my mind screams ” attempt. attempt. attempt. ” and I never have. Theres a first for every thing right? Ill try to OD and see what happens. I cant take this.  why am i suicidal? everything fucking triggers me and I am done.
Do I have a sign saying “shes vunerable, take advantage” on my back?
This crap is getting really old. My new boyfriend, the one afore mentioned, turns out to be nothing that i was expecting under pressure.
The story starts on Thursday after school. Im texting him and his ‘best friend’ takes his phone and starts a convo with me like she knows me. Being the polite girl i am, i keep talking to her. She then tells me she has feelings for my bf and so my friend takes my phone and politely tells her(under me) that there needs to be boundaries cuz were dating. This girl starts trippin on me and i leave with my best […]
i can’t even begin to recount the times i’ve tried to kill myself – i started in 2nd grade – i’ve been married nearly 20 years – 4 children –
i’ve been hospitalized twice – once as an adult 2 years a go
i’m not diagnosed as personality disorder – but as i’ve read about it – i’m pretty sure i am – but this total break didn’t come until a family member did the most treacherous betrayal deed that could be done –
i never grieved the horrid act against me – but my child –
that was 6 years a go – and for me – it […]
I am a teacher and a hopeful person just before what happened 2 days ago. at the age of 26, I can say that I have been a successful person as an employee. however, there were times when I feel that I wanna die. I wanna end all these. now i am currently encountering a serious problem which was not intended but i take the responsibility because I am the teacher. I’ve been thinking about the what if’s of the problem. even if it has no damage yet. i am afraid that something bad might happen. i am afraid that the boss might kick me […]
Of course, I want to like Trevor. But there’s always something in the back of my mind that says I shouldn’t. Oh well. Said voice can find a new hobby. I mean, I’ve realized that Trevor is pretty awesome. But if he doesn’t like me, then good for him. I’m not saying that I’ll be completely mad and thinking that I’m better than him, ’cause I’m not. All humans are equal, except in their acts. I mean, you can’t say that you’re equal to Hitler in acts unless you did the same things he did. But Trevor hasn’t done anything bad that I know of, […]
I’m to much of  coward to do it quick and easy.
I’m using my eating disorder to die. Not too much time left until that happens I’m sure. I lost 40 pounds in three months and its still going. 83 pounds and losing.
This is mental torture. My brain wont allow positive feelings and pleasures, it rejects them like foreign territory. It is not used to positivity so it doesnt know what to do with it. It teased me by making me feel confident and excided and content and motivated for a very short time then slaps me back in the face and replaces these good feelings with guilt anxiety paranoia saddness bordome and fear. It feeds these thoughts into my mind virtually automaticly , thoughts like “you are undeserving to feel content, get praise, . You are a bad person your doing it all wrong, you cant […]
I have bi polar depsession. I was diagnosed when I was 12, (even though they aren’t supposed to diagnose that young) Right after my mom died. I battled with that for years alone. Up until I was 15, when a wondrous new disorder came along, anorexia. Now, I’m 18 years old. When I Was 16 I met a boy and fell in love and gave him everything. He helped me start eating again, Which we thought was good. Until I lost my virginity to him and got pregnant because I was now able to have children again. So now, I have a one year old […]
It’s incredible to think that I have to stop here. But the pain is overwhelming. I am afraid of being alone. Too afraid. I have no family. I was abandoned by my parents when I was 6 and I never saw them again. Right now I have a GF who abuses me psychologically, she is a drug addict who cheats on me and I cannot leave her because I am too scared of being alone. Loneliness is my handicap and I can’t take it anymore. I have no self respect to say NO and way too much resentment towards her to be able to solve […]
I’m tired of  the cycle, of making plans that get me no where and right now I just hate that I’m at the lowest point of depression I can’t even seem to get out of it. I’m so tired of everything