Sometimes…

I hurt. For a long time. The world fell apart… it collapsed beneath my feet. Things took a horrible turn, and I thought it was over. My pain would be gone. My hurt. My life. It would all be gone. And it didn’t feel bad about it, in fact it felt amazing. Then, I stopped myself. And things got better. I tried harder. I made myself feel better. But when you think about it, your pain is always going to be there. It’ll never leave you. That’s exactly what happened. It all came crashing back.

I’ve helped my friends. They’ve all had thoughts too. But, I never told them mine. I lead them to believe I am fine, I’m okay. Because that’s always my answer. It’s more like an impulse now, I don’t even hear the question. That “How are you?” and the “How’s your day?” all fade into meaningless words. I simply add an answer. Of course, I never let them now how much it hurts.

I am a good student, I have strait A’s, always have all my work done. I’m vice president of my school. I have a lot of “friends” I am active. You’d think I’d be happy. No one cares about my life, because they assume it’s perfect. Because I’ve never given them a reason to believe other wise.

I want to love. I really do, but it hurts. I can’t put my heart out there anymore, because people took and used it. I feel like love is more painful than the things I do to myself. I have such a hard time showing love to anyone. I let them think they are close to me, that they now every God damn thing about me. But, They aren’t even close.

These people don’t even to seem any difference in me, my parents haven’t actually asked me ‘How is my life,’  in years. I’ve been thinking about this since I was 11, that’s so young to be ruined by these thoughts. It doesn’t help that these people are always saying it’s wrong to hurt yourself. But… they don’t know, how it hurts us. The joys of even living is so painful. I can’t even smile without thinking, ‘You are so ugly. No one wants you to be happy.’

Sometimes I wish it was all over. Sometimes I wish I was gone.