I’ve been visiting this site for the past few days, and have been wondering why. Why am I here? Why am I reading other peoples’ stories? Do I want to post my story? Do I get some sort of kink out of the misery of others? Do I enjoy other peoples’ pain? Do I hope that I might be able to sympathize or empathize with them? Why? The reason I post this now is because I think I now know.
Is there anyone out there like me?
I’ve been wanting to die for six years now and have attempted suicide seventeen times, but that’s not want I mean. Most of pain and misery are dormant and I still feel the hoplessness, the  loneliness, the tiredness, and the despair, but I don’t mean that either.
Is there anyone else out there who’s soulless (I use that word because I can think of no other that works better)?
I am no longer capable or caring for or having even the slightest positive feeling towards anyone. I cannot feel any kind of pity, or empathy, or sympaathy, or even love towards anything on this Earth. If for what ever reason I decided to kill someone (if I ever even slightly wanted to I would kill myself thousands upon thousand upon thousands of times), I would be able to do it without any trouble or hesitation ( afterwords however I would feel guilty about their life being more valuable then mine and someone not worthy of live taking one belonging to someone else). Happiness is an impossibility and can only imagine what it used to feel like. Every moment of every day I hate myself and my only wish is to die prevent the death and/or suffering of any amount of any people (excluding the obvious), even though I wouldn’t and don’t give a s*** for any of them.
I don’t want to be conforted and I don’t want anyone’s help (I’ve already given up on trying to die), I just want to know if there is anyone else out there like me.
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Sorry about the aggressiveness (particularly at the end). I got to much into it and haven’t had a moument of peace for the last few weeks. Again sorry.
I started reading and commenting on people’s posts on this site since yesterday and will probably continue for many days. I do get some sort of ‘kick’ from reading about other’s suffering and offering my thoughts on why a shitty life is still preferable to death. This may be because not long ago I had similar thoughts and conclusions to people on this site. Doing this is also a nice change from jerking off yet easier and more immediately gratifying than looking for work.
‘Soulless’ is exactly how I described myself not long ago: without direction; paralysed by uncertainty; not belonging; angry at all my faults and refusal to change; incapable and unworthy of satisfactory contact with anyone; hatred of every aspect of my own condition and extistence.
I too secretly hated everyone and everything for making me feel inferior or inadequate and hated the fact that other people influenced me. I stopped caring about my friends and family and what they thought or felt. I just wanted to stop thinking and kill the one I hated most (myself).
What stopped me was 1. the realisation that the only thing forcing me to adhere to a code of judgement conducive to suicide was my own subconscious choice. I didn’t have to think/live like this. 2. realisation that I would not enjoy the satisfaction of killing myself because there is no sensation at all after death. 3. realisation that the ability to feel/do anything at all was preferable to eternal nothingness.
So yes there are others who feel/felt the same. Enjoy what little you have and live simply for experiences.
I love coming here and reading other people’s stories because I love stories, and you don’t hear about this stuff in day to day life. I reject the notion that feeling this way means there’s something wrong with you or that you’re socially maladapted. (Except um, maybe that part about killing other people…) Some people just have less of a capacity for bullshit, I guess. Doesn’t mean they’re any less entitled to a comfortable place in this world.