Empty Life

I’ve been suicidal most of my life, delayed because many people gave me false hope (e.g. “Things will get better,” “It’s a temporary problem,” “Life has intrinsic value,” etc.). When do we stop and look, only to find flipping burgers is unfulfilling – when does a man breakdown from the socially approved unfeeling zombified state into tears and try to escape the mediocrity? The answer is when all hope is lost. Death > Life. I once feared the great abyss that awaits us all, but it now gives me solace and peace – not having to grind through each day, day after day, seemingly to the end of time. Life is but a walking shadow… Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

My “temporary” problem has persisted the vast majority of my entire life. I am here to say that it’s right to feel this disgust, to suffer – only a monster would not. I’ve seen the worst that society has to offer, yet strangely also highly respected and compensated individuals (a scientist spoke to my peers and I about casualty calculations for WMDs with a big grin on his face, made me throw up after class). We have a newly recruited soldier in our class, who is eager to get into a firefight – an older veteran tries to tell him the horror of it, but he doesn’t listen. Engineers get recruited into defense and intelligence industries, and do not heed the sane ethical restraints of a true human being. [Leaving out the details of my childhood, which dwarfs those men in comparison] I am disgusted by the world we live in, and the insurmountable challenge of making things better – it is a wasted effort.

The date I’ve chosen for the deed is several months away, while I make preparations and backups. My family is at peace with my decision (the toll my agony has taken on me is almost as bad for them). On my eleventh year of trying to get my bachelors degree with the crippling problems that have plagued me for life. It’s just not worth it, and never has been.