getting close

Everyday is getting tougher. I’ve not only lost the family I created with my wife but I can’t seem to find anyone who cares for me. I’m a fat ugly slob who sleeps with prostitutes so he can feel the tiniest shred if intamacy. I am trying to belong to a world that I don’t fit into. Not that I am trying to fit into any particular category that people try to identify themself with. I just don’t fit in anywhere. I am truly a misfit.I can make friends , laugh and pretend to have fun but its ultimately lacking truth and substance. I feel like killing myself is the only way out. Maybe I’m not actually gonna do it. Cause I’m talking about it instead of doing it. I think I just haven’t found a good way. I don’t know how I want to do it. I think quick and painless would be best to do it. I wanna do it in a way that I can’t be found. I don’t want all the people I know to know I’m a coward. Especially my son. I feel bad that he has the mother he does. Shes worse off than me. Or just pretends she is. Either way it doesn’t matter. Its all a lost cause. People care about me. But only so my death won’t be on there concious. I think about running away all the time. But I’m so indecisive that I think I would come back. so death is the only way I would be able to truly stay away. I just want someone to truly care about me before I go. Maybe I’ll take a bunch of money from my job. And kill myself leaving las vegas style. Hire a girl to be with me for my last hours. haven’t fully decided but. Getting close. I know the person reading this wonders if I’m still alive. But as of march 12 2013. I am.