dont know when you will actualy read this but i need to talk to some one i hope your willing to read and listen. i;m desprate i need something not sure what i know i tell you not to talk about killing yourself but i know how you feel for diffrent reasons.  im not sure how much longer i can hold on staying alive so i dont hurt my kids isnt enough of a reason any more staying alive because its a sin to kill myself not sure about that. ending the pain sounds real good right now. ending the frustration the hoplesness  the uncertany the lonliness the unending stress of life.  I do lwant to live just not sure if i can keep doing it. thought about driving off the on ramp the other day on the way home. i am glad i didnt but more and more i think about dying just leaving it all behind. i know it would hurt believe me i know but would it realy but i stay for now for john and mindy i think how much they would hurt and i stay some day i would like to say im staying for me but thats not true right now. I love you and if you let me i would stay for you too. but your getting very hard to understand. so right now all i can do is stay so i dont hurt my kids. im not happy all i do is cry i dont feel love  i dont even know what im feeling. hollow i gues i know people love me i know God loves me i just dont feel it all there is is pain and empty hollow pain that wont stop.  i m sorry if this bothers you i needed to talk to some one didnt know who else to turn to hope i wasnt wrong. but i’m never sure any more  just dont know any more. by the way its saturday. march 16th hope isee you not sure about any thing any more please do not share this with any one if u do i will not see you again this is private i hope you will respect me enough not to share. you may talk to me but dont share. and know that im a messed up ball of feelings. i need a diferent life.
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dear old,
just read your post, and all I can say is “wow”: I could have written that exact same message (sans the part about having kids or believing in God). That girl depression is one mean *****. She really knows how to turn all the good parts of life off, doesn’t she?
I also struggle to find some reason to stay, try to find some new vein of happiness to tap and motor me around for the next 30 to 40 years until death shows up. But I’ve been looking for ten years now, and so far, no such luck. I don’t want to admit it, but a big and growing part of me says that this is as good as it gets.
I wish could tell you where to look for your happiness as well, but I don’t. Sorry. I’ve tried most of the drugs they give you for depression / bipolar disorder. No go. Tried exercise. Ditto. Right now, I’m trying meditation. Don’t know what I’ll try next if that fails like everything else has. If it does fail, maybe I’ll finally try those two shotguns I bought for the day when I finally throw in the towel permanently.
Your friend in suffering,
Dallas