It all started in my Freshman year. I was in my Ancient History class and these guys would whisper “*****” as i walked by. Throughout my first semester i was called lesbian, fat, ugly, whore, and *****. I would go home and think how everyone would be better off without me there.
December 8,2012 my world crashed down around me. My grandfather Skip who stepped in and took care of my grandma and my mom and her sisters Â for 17 years passed away from cancer. He was a vietnam veteran he made myÂ familyÂ smile Â through the bad. he was the funniest person ever. It made me cry to see him go under the ground knowing i wont see him smile again.I had this one friend who wasn’t there for me she only cared about her stupid breakup and i was so pissed off at her.
After winter break i made a picture of my friend it was funny. But she told all her friends. Â and this one chick told me to kill myself. Like i probably would if i wasnt trying to help my family through this tough time. She and her friends wont stop looking at me and making fun of me behind my back. Â Trying to turn my friends against me.
The beginning of January i took a trip to see my other grandfather Pappy who was battlingÂ Lung Cancer at the time and he knew he wasn’t going to make it toÂ ChristmasÂ this year. After we spent three days with him and my grandmother we went ourÂ separateÂ ways.Â FebruaryÂ 1, 2o13 I got a dreadful call from my father saying Pappy had passed away. Â He was crying on the other line. my heart shattered. I’m only 15 years old and i’m going through so much. My grandma and Pappy were married for 50 years. I haven’t seen her since i went to visit and i haven’t spoken to her i can’t comprehend whats going on with her. she’s not on facebook anymore. i just want to see her.
To this day i wonder why i was out on this world people constantly tell me no one likes me. i’m not pretty enough or that i’m weird.
It’s not my fault i’m like this i fake smile.i hide the pain with jokes.
I think about what death is and it scares me knowing your going to sleep and not waking up you just stop breathing and living and it scares me. But maybe im not meant to be on this planet.
I forgot to mention that i was dating this guy who turned out to cheat on me.
I’ve cut so much after that knowing i wasn’t worth is.
I’m tired ofÂ strugglingÂ to smile or be happy.