I am so lost… i am a single father 2 kids, their mother is a drug addict and has abandoned them for 3 years march 12th, i have 2 deaf parents so growing up was very hard, to never be able to talk about your feelings to your own mom hurts me alot, i know sign language but its just not the same… i have constant feelings of giving up, when i look at my kids i cry, when i think about my family i cry. i have gone nowhere for my whole life, dropped out at 16 and never made a attempt to be anything, just a job to support my habits. now im 28, with only a GED no job history for 3 years now since i have taken on my children full time, not even dunkin donuts will take a look at me, im a terrible waste of space and feel i really am a burden on this world, i collect SS so i can support my kids, live in housing and receive food stamps. that right there makes me feel like the biggest welfare abusing piece of garbage alive, i should be able to support my kids right? not at all, without daddy gubment i would be dead and my kids in foster care, and the reason i havent ended my life is because of them…but the feeling doesnt go away when you realize how important you are, instead i push back against myself thinking i should be better, smarter, faster and stronger, i had these dreams of a life in my future, monitoring networks for a company and having a wife and kids, now that dream is gone, i have no ambition anymore i could really care less what happens to me, only my kids i pour everything into them, and if they are in school… im wallowing in my own sorrow, unable to get up and go, unable to move on from her… we were going to be married… but that as everything good in my life aside from my kids has vanished, thrown away by me. because i dont deserve it, i dont deserve my children they need a father who can actually get a job, and be far more active than i am. i know im hard on myself everyone tells me that, but i don’t feel like its going to get better, in fact i have that overwhelming darkness above my head that tells me something i cant handle will happen, and the results will devastate me, or my family. ive tried therapists and anti depressants, all of which exacerbate my mood swings. i have no friends that call me…ever, i have friends on Facebook all from high school and a couple I’ve picked up along the way, none of which contact me or even in the slightest know what im going through, and its doubtful they would even care… my mom… she cant handle it, im her oldest and her only son… so she coddles me, but the few times she found out i was suicidal she did not know what to do, she was angry then sad then angry again. there is nobody i can speak to candidly or even trust, last time i talked to my friend and he snitched me out, i got locked up in the ward for 3 weeks, that right there dissolved my trust in anyone ever again, and my ex pulling tricks finished off my ability to trust. i have no idea where im heading, everything is grey to me. if i get a job, the government will come after me for the money they loaned, putting me back where i am and im afraid i always will be, sure i have a desire for computer technology, and i am told im very handy with a computer, able to diagnose issues instantly. but once again my self destructive behavior destroyed that future as well, and here i am reading about suicide and wondering if anyone out there has a similar situation…but no its all 15 year olds, someone i cannot identify with whatsoever. i havent been on a date ever.. ive avoided any situation that could potentially embarrass me my whole life, afraid of what people say about me behind my back, is it true? im the last person to critisize anyone, but ill bring the hammer down on myself and scrutinize every little thing and add it to the list of everything thats wrong with me, if i made a list of pros and cons you would find that my cons list has a higher word count than this post, and my pros are i know how to drive and cook and clean, everything else is debatable as to whether im actually talented or fooled myself into believing i am. theres no hope for me, nothing but taking care of 2 kids which i love and adore but when you dont give 2 shits about your own life… how could i possible be benefiting my kids besides shelter school and food? ive lost all direction and i feel there is only 1 way out… not yet but its coming, according to therapists i suffer from severe clinical depression and a crippling anxiety, you should see me talk to a remotely attractive woman.. im such a bumbling fool and i avoid any eye contact with people, look down and the ground and mind my own business even when people need help, i don’t want to expose myself so i just hope someone better than me can come by and help. my father has told me since i quit baseball at age 11 that i will be a nobody, probably a drug addict or a piss artist… im hoping that by posting this some one will be able to tell me the things ive needed to hear for so long, i am so alone even in a room of people i am alone, with family i feel alone. after staying in a psych ward twice i had a small window of time where i appreciated everything, i could love and be loved, but that was so very short lived its tough to remember those times. i apologize for the long rant but i needed to get it off my chest
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I’ve avoided life afraid of what people say about
Fear of embarrassment
I push back against myself
My father has told me
My destructive behavior
I’m afraid I always will be.
None of that seems to be working.
So much fear
We create what we fear
It’s time to stop.
All these things keep you stuck in some past or imagined future that don’t exist.
Experiencing the past future in the same monument, the past the future becoming the present, how could you not end up stuck
You can rewire your thinking, it’s possible
It all starts with stopping. and creating space
What wonderful irony that starting begins with stopping.
One fear at a time, small achievable steps.
Learn better do better who could do more
Fear – false evidence appearing real.
Nothing but noise.
Stop, create a space, start waking, repeat
Hey you! I’ve been so emotional this night, I’ve had same thoughts as you do quite long time. Accidentally I found this page from google, and I saw your life story. I had to register that I’d be able to comment you. First of all I apologize my English, I’m from Finland so it isn’t so good. I hope you’ll understand what I’m writing. You wrote that here is only 15 years old. I’m not much older eather. But I know even little bit what you going through. I’m a single mother for my son, I’ve been almost 4 years. I know you’ve got more hard with 2 kids. But my sons father is also a drug addict. Single mothers are normal for this society. As I told I’ve been quite young when I had him. But he is worth it. I’m so disappointed that I’m not able to give him what he deserves. I’ve been working my so hardly over 3 years. Still my situation doesn’t get any better. I’m doing anything I can that my son has a home and food. I’m working three different place, I’m cleaning toilets and other people’s mess. I’m working as a bartender and karaoke player, I’m sorry I don’t know what is right way to say it. I’ve been working on a cruise ship as a cleaner and in a grill, anywhere I could without occupation. Very low salary and long working hours. I’m also studying day times to be one day hopefully a practical nurse. I have been trough same things like you could somehow write about how I feel inside. Only difference is that nobody around me sees how worse I’m doing inside, I’ve been struggling with suicidal tioughts over 2 years. Every night I hope that tomorrow will be better, I’m trying to find something to change my mind everyday. But the biggest reason I’m all here is when I look everyday my son. He doesn’t deserve anymore suffer, I’m the only one he has. But now this isn’t about me. But you stopped me by your text. I know it doesn’t help to tell you that everything will turn out well when you are patience and your hard work will be all worth it one day, you’ll see. Try to keep your head up, and open your eyes, don’t avoid eye contacts, you’ll never know what is possible. And sure when your kids gets older they’ll prove you million times more that it all was worth it. I’ve been also in therapist and in many different doctor talking about the feelings inside me. But the strongest courage to keep going has come inside me. I’m trying to see sunny side in everything. My thoughts are with you, all the way from Finland. I honour and respect you and everything you are doing! I’m thankfull that I found this. You proved me that people can go through so much shit and they’re still able to stand tall. Keep your head up, and please don’t loose hope, you’re not alone! I hope and wish everything good to come in to you and your kids life. You deserve it. (If you wonder I’m 21 years old) and people are right when they are telling you that don’t be too hard on yourself. You are amazing personality, and doing the greatest work life can give, by rising your kids. At least they’ll learns true love of family. Even you felt like you couldn’t talk to your family, remember your kids needs you to talk to through their life! I’m sorry for writing so long. I just felt to register and send you. Ali health and happiness in your life!
hi there, i know things seemed like it has been shit for quite some time now, and i know that now, it seems like that is the only way out, but it is not. it is the only way out that you know of.
i get that your friend snitched you out and now you feel like you cant trust anyone, but would you email me? i know that you dont even know me and im probably asking a lot of you, but talk to me, i might be able to help.
thesilentbomb@hotmail.com
i’ll wait for your mail.
i identify with the part about not being able to fully communicate with your mom, not because mine is deaf, but because a lot of my difficult issues, the kind that i need somebody close to listen to me and confide in, are related to sex and sexuality, and whenever i even start to mention anything that involves me being sexual, she just wants to close her eyes and plug her ears. it’s ironic that you are frustrated with limited communication with your mom, but of course if you killed yourself, your kids would have the ultimate limited communication with you. i’m not trying to be funny, but wonder if you had given that thought.
i would not worry about being a burden because of the SS and food stamps and such. i’m glad that some of my taxpayer dollars have gone to help you out with that. it’s there for someone like you, struggling, even if your struggle is with mental illness. others may disagree, but you have no obligation to listen to them … many people’s complaints about welfare speak much more about them and their lack of understanding of other people’s struggles.
your discussion about jobs also resonated with me. i graduated from a prestigious university and yet find myself unemployed and unmotivated to work and i have big fears about the space in my resume and what that will mean for my future, but i also have to remind myself that a lot of those fears are based on my ego and prior expectations of who i thought i was, and that is hard to let go of. maybe i shouldn’t be talking because i have been able to get by on savings and sporadic jobs, but i did seem to read in your post (between the lines) that a lot of your concerns might have been based on worries about others’ perceptions of you, or with keeping up with the joneses, and i’m struggling with those concerns too, and it seems freeing when i’m able to shed those worries. though a practical idea about the resume gap: have you thought about volunteering anywhere? whether using your computer skills or your cooking and cleaning skills, those could be of use in a lot of places, and would look good to potential employers.
i would hope that one day, you could interpret your friend’s “snitching” as actually a sign of caring. if he didn’t care at all, he wouldn’t have done a thing, and maybe you wouldn’t be here anymore. or maybe he was just scared and didn’t understand the severity or lack thereof. but maybe, just maybe, it was all meant to happen for some unknown reason. but yeah, i would probably be just as mad and untrusting as you if i were in your shoes! remember, of course, that just because one person reacts one way to a situation doesn’t mean that others will react the same way, but i do understand that that way of thinking is hard to break. i struggle with it too.
i’m really sorry that your father told you things to make you feel so insecure about yourself. that’s traumatic to hear, and, understandably, very hard to overcome. please try to remember that those things he said were not a reflection of you, but his way of dealing with his own issues, and unfortunately he projected them on to you. he probably had his own demons, and maybe that’s the kind of talk his father used with him, and he just didn’t realize any other way of dealing with certain situations. you can take what you’ve felt and learned from that to be a better father to your children. you may not be able to provide them the greatest housing, or the best clothes, or the best (or any) toys, but at the end of the day, that is not what they need from you. they need, as you said, shelter and food, and your loving presence. your post doesn’t complain about your parents not giving you adequate housing or clothes or toys, but rather about communication and support issues. and if you are giving your children loving communication and support, then maybe you are already doing a better job than your parents. and maybe that can be your goal, to make your children’s lives and futures better than your own. that will be very difficult for them, if not impossible, if their father leaves their lives prematurely. stay in there.
thank you so much, is that a song or a poem? did you write it yourself?
hi! and thank you for responding, im 28. but im glad you can at least get work. i have zero work and no options too, maybe if i could work i would spend less time in my own head and possibley move on from this depressing part of my life
I really want to thank you for your reply, that took effort, and its more than a strangers have ever done for me. these ups and downs make it so im reasonable when im up and stupidly irrational when im down, tearing myself to pieces in my mind. i love my kids so dearly and thats the only thing i promised to myself is that i would outdo my dad and his dad, my son will undoubtedly follow in my path, since he has some emotional issues like i do but its not as severe, but my baby girl…. i know she needs me they both do, but the affect a father has on his daughter has everything to do with her confidence and state of mind. they need me to be strong, and im afraid im not as strong as i should be. I’m so sick and tired of being afraid to live my life, this invisible illness causes alot of critisizm, especially with the schools, i have a feeling they do not like single fathers as much as they do single moms.