I’m a 21 year old male and i have enough of life trying to punish me.
Over the years i have been the subject of divorces, constantly being physically and verbally abused (both at school and at home), but these last few years have been the hardest. Recently i have broken up from my only relationship i have chosen to be in (3 years ago), been  diagnosed with severe depression,  Avoidance Personality Disorder (AvPD), numerous life-threatening medical conditions, family deaths, and being alone. I now know that being alone is the worst thing that could happen to anyone, however due to my inability to communicate to anyone, i have been alone for 3 years.
Every day is a struggle to just keep a smile on my face (albeit a facade, a mere trick to fool my mind into thinking i’m happy), and my depression seems to be getting worse, and common thoughts of suicide have plaguing my mind. The scariest thing about committing suicide is the planning (i am reasonably intelligent and have a tendency of over-thinking every situation). I have even come up with scenarios where i could inflict the least amount of damage on others involved in my plans. (gosh i really wish i wouldn’t over-think this post)
I don’t have anywhere to turn to. I am not religious, I am highly emotional from all the years of abuse (one of the perks of AvPD),I can’t talk to anyone without thinking that they are criticizing everything i think and say (counselor’s and psychiatrist’s don’t have much of an impact on me) and take everything said to me like they are personally attacking me. It truly seems like, ‘Trust’ is my biggest issue.
I don’t see suicide as being a selfish act, so much as an act to finally be rid of constant pain/torture.
After all of this, and more, i just want to end it.
4 comments
I’m really, truly sorry for what you’ve been through. But you aren’t alone, and I mean that in a very non-cliche way. On this site, we understand. So, use us for whatever you need. Just please try to stick around for a while, and see if we can help.
I’ll try to respond quickly if you do choose to email me. Sending hope and hugs.
i know your feeling dude its just depressing that i have a livung body and a dead soul
I agree the loss of relationship is the worst and it makes the concepts of meaning and purpose that much more difficult maintain.
I’m not sure we can experience happiness without a sense of meaning and purpose and I lately I wonder if meaning and purpose only exist in within relationship.
Based on the majority of postings on this site it is the loss of relationship and struggle with relationship that has brought us here.
Being in you’re early 20’s it is still possible to re-evaluate your perspective and make changes. When we learn better we can do better. Too often people can see the obstacles in there way and even sense the solution required to overcome them but end up stuck mourning the past that lead them to the obstacle.
You mentioned that you recognize that you tend to hear what others say to you as criticism and threatening which I assume triggers your fight response. Recognizing a problem is a great first step and dealing with this issue can only help build better relationships.
From personal experience I can tell you it is possible to change the why we communicate and become less threatened by what we hear and learn about ourselves in the process.
The following book is IMO probably the best book on communication that I have read. Clear, understandable and most importantly do-able
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High – by Kerry Patterson
I hope you give yourself a chance, I know that if you can change that one issue your world will change!
I agree loss of relationship is really depressing and could lead to suicidal thoughts..
But are you that dependent? THAT dependent on the other person? You love them but you have to love yourself first..if it didnt work out than it was never meant to be.Youre only 21 and after a few years you will realize that relationship never even mattered for you when you will find a new partner.My suggestion to you is that find a new partner and you will be over with your new relation..I know finding and getting into all that stuff is quiet difficult when youve loved someone truely but human nature is to move on! Moving on is the only choice you have and its upto you that either you avail that choice happily or you stay depressed.
Just move on! Date another people. Life doesnt end on a relationship that alsted only for 3 years..ive seen people moving on after breakingup from a 5 years relationship..even 12 years relationship..
when you will be 23 ..you will remember my words..