I’m a 21 year old male and i have enough of life trying to punish me.
Over the years i have been the subject of divorces, constantly being physically and verbally abused (both at school and at home), but these last few years have been the hardest. Recently i have broken up from my only relationship i have chosen to be in (3 years ago), been Â diagnosed with severe depression, Â Avoidance Personality Disorder (AvPD), numerous life-threatening medical conditions, family deaths, and being alone. I now know that being alone is the worst thing that could happen to anyone, however due to my inability to communicate to anyone, i have been alone for 3 years.
Every day is a struggle to just keep a smile on my face (albeitÂ a facade, a mere trick to fool my mind into thinking i’m happy), and my depression seems to be getting worse, and common thoughts of suicide haveÂ plaguingÂ my mind. The scariest thing aboutÂ committingÂ suicide is the planning (i am reasonably intelligent and have aÂ tendencyÂ of over-thinking every situation). I have even come up with scenarios where i could inflict the least amount of damage on others involved in my plans. (gosh i really wish i wouldn’t over-think this post)
I don’t have anywhere to turn to. I am notÂ religious, I am highlyÂ emotionalÂ from all the years of abuse (one of the perks of AvPD),I can’t talk to anyone without thinking that they areÂ criticizingÂ everything i think and say (counselor’s and psychiatrist’s don’t have much of an impact on me) and takeÂ everythingÂ said to me like they are personally attacking me. ItÂ trulyÂ seems like, ‘Trust’ is my biggest issue.
I don’t see suicide as being a selfish act, so much as an act to finally be rid of constant pain/torture.
After all of this, and more, i just want to end it.