Today, I turned 18 years old.
On my 16th birthday, after crying myself to sleep, I vowed to never cry over my family again. Instead of focusing on all of the things that were destroying me, I focused on the diet I had started about 10 days prior. It took control of my entire life. By July I weighed less than 100 pounds, my bones stuck out, but I still wanted to be skinnier. I rarely ate, but when I did, I made sure to throw it up.
I started recovering last summer, June 2012. It went well for awhile, but once school started back up and family problems arose again I started slowly falling back into my old ways. I fought for awhile, but recently I broke.
I have to talk to the school counselor once a week. My parents are in denial and attest to being emotionless, so that doesn’t help anything. At first I told her the truth, it was easy, I had nothing to hide. As my old habits come back I don’t want to tell her. As much as I hate having an eating disorder, it’s comforting, and I don’t want anyone taking it away from me. Lately, I hate myself.
Every time I eat, I’m ashamed.
Every time I look in the mirror, I want to starve for eternity.
Every time my stomach is full, I must either throw up or exercise until I feel okay again.
When I restrict calories, compulsively exercise, and throw up anytime I mess up, I feel better.
I feel good.
I feel like I’m finally enough.
I can’t tell anyone that though. When you tell people, they hurt, they don’t understand. The school counselor thinks it’s because of stress, which it partially is, but it’s honestly so much more than that.
Today, I came home from school, started sobbing, and went to the bathroom to throw up. I was exhausted and ashamed of myself for eating, I sat there crying and considered killing myself on the spot. I feel like I’m disappointing everyone. I feel like I can’t take it anymore.
4 comments
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I also wanted to say that I know how you feel. I can’t remember last time I had a B-day party or a family member that actually remember. Last year for my 17th B-day everyone forgot. The year before my mom was busy with her BF and so forth, I can relate when it comes to bad B-days. After a while you learn to just be happy for yourself and remember how fast time goes by. I feel sad, not on a pity way, but on a “I wished I knew you to help you” way. For the weight, I can just say try your hardest not to throw up and eat whole food meals, and drink plenty of water. Don’t look at the mirror if it makes you sad. I used to hate myself too, when I looked at the mirror I saw nothing. It sucks and eats you away and drives to you insanity but it’s manageable! I don’t know what brings you happiness, but try to do that as much as possible. I wish for you to respond, so we can further talk about this.
Thank you for wishing me happy birthday! I ended up avoiding home, I went out with friends and had a pretty good time, but I have to celebrate with my family tonight. I know I need to focus on my own happiness, but when I do I feel selfish. In 2011 I had an older sister (I actually have 5 sisters) that got kicked out of our house. For years she had made awful choices (drugs, drinking, partying, failing school, getting arrested) and I hated her for ruining our family. Once she left I figured things would get better, but they didn’t. I was traumatized by some of the things that had happened and confused because no on explained what had happened. I felt guilty because I had said the words “make her leave.” For awhile she wasn’t even talked about at all, I couldn’t comprehend who she was. I would look at a picture and not understand that it was my sister, but I would look at a picture from when we were little and cry because I didn’t know where my sister had gone (we had been super close). In October 2012 she messaged me on fb and asked for forgiveness. I knew my parents wouldn’t approve, so I turned her down, but I missed her with all of my heart. A few weeks later I messaged her, found out she was pregnant, and ended up making the decision to support her. She turned her life around for the most part and on April 3, 2013 she became a mom and I became an aunt. I helped her take care of the baby day a lot and we became really close, but she’s in Texas with the baby on vacation until her maternity leave is up now. I think my parents are upset that I’m close with her, they give subtle hints that they don’t approve. I know I’m standing alone, but I have to support my sister, I need her. I hate disappointing my parents and my eating disorder seems to be my fallback for that. My school counselor always tells me “you’re so beautiful, you’re so intelligent, you’re so funny and have such wonderful morals, don’t ruin yourself, please.” I’m honestly a happy person though, it’s only when I’m around my parents that I’m horribly depressed. At school I bounce off the walls with energy, I have tons of friends, my teachers love me, and I get near perfect grades. I love exercising, kayaking, biking, laying out in the sun. I love my little sisters, summer, shopping, babysitting, and helping others. So many things bring me pure joy, but sometimes sadness overrides all of that.
Happy Birthday! And im sorry for all your problems. but I’ve tried everything i could to lose weight except starve myself, i can make myself throw up no problem, its doesnt hurt me but, i still end up eating and then i get to lazy to throw it up. When i first started to throw up, i lost 5 pounds in three days and i was happy but, it started getting hard to lose weight after. now i gained it back plus 5 pounds and i hate myself so much. Idc if its bad but please give me tips, it makes me happy to be thinner. please help, and how do you stop the temptation to eat? i also scratched my throat one time and hot chocolate didnt help
HaPpY bIrTHdAY!! I can’t even remember my 18th. I think my Mum may have made some effort, she usually remembers. Anyway, love and best wishes to you from a random person in the ether. Sorry I am not as articulate as Peradox!