if we reap what we sow, i guess i have earned this pain and loneliness

I just want it over, the pain and loneliness.. just to end. I get up, I do what is expected, and I wait.. and wait, and wait some more. I married, for the third time, a widow twice. Want a divorce, but it just is not worth the effort, there would not be anything any better later. I’ve thought about ending it over the years and always said I couldn’t do that to others, but who are the others? There’s no one here, no one to find me, or to give a shit. I just want to go home and be with Jim. I lied when I told him I would be ok. I am not. The kids were too busy, so I married thinking I would be someones … what , i no longer know. There is nothing here for me, I want out.. of it all. there is nothing worth tomorrow.. nothing. It sounds so simple, pills a bottle, and go sit with Jim..