For the past three months I’ve been a recluse. I was in college, excited about life, happy, and i was in control of my depression. Now I’m too depressed to continue school, scared of the future, want no future, and I just don’t have the will to live. I don’t want to continue life. I’ve been suffering and I’ve tried to manage my depression with medication, therapy, and alternative treatments. I’m honestly willing to electrocute myself to cure my suffering. I spend my days at home playing with my dogs and watching tv. My therapist and psychiatrist are pushing me to get back into the world, by starting a job or at least volunteering at a shelter. But I just can’t. I can’t force myself to do anything. I can’t force myself to leave my house. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m scared of having a panic attack or scared of what other people think because when ever I do go out I just feel so uncomfortable and I just want to go home. So I’ve been trying to go on daily walks with my dogs. Trying.. I went for a walk in the woods with my two dogs today and I almost had a panic attack in the middle of the woods. I was so scared. I made it back to my house and took a shower, but I couldn’t stop the anxiety. I have nothing to be anxious about. Absolutely nothing.
I won’t commit suicide because I’m too afraid of the physical pain. I’m not scared of dying and I want to die. But I know it’s not realistic unless I find a sedative and person that would kill me.
With all my free time I’ve been trying to do what I love so I can find the will to live, but I don’t like doing anything anymore. My guitar and piano are covered with dust and I can’t seem to make art. I don’t love anything anymore. I don’t speak to my friends and I don’t love my family. I have nothing to live for. People say that my friends and family need me, but, and I know this sounds selfish, I don’t care. The pain i just too much. I have nothing to live for. I am only living because apparently I’m not allowed to die. Even though it’s my life therefore it should be my decision. People may think I’m sick, and maybe I am, but there is no cure so why should I suffer. I’ve been on anti-deppressants for four years and I’ve had an abundance of therapists, and psychiatrists. I’ve tried so hard to get rid of my depression, but now I’m tired and I don’t want to try anymore. So I will continue to live, but I will NEVER force myself to do anything. If I’m going to live, I might as well live as comfortably as I can. And although I can’t commit suicide that doesn’t stop me from wanting to die.
^^ if you don’t mind me asking… How long have you been depressed?… Did you finsh college are you still in college?… I kinda look up to you to say weirdly enougth …
I am sorry if it’s weird to say I look up to you. It’s only becuase you got to college what a promble that I can understand to its fill… I am sorty
Hi, I went through some of your old posts and found this:
‘…this pain is caused by myself’. Strangely I have had the same thought before, trying to understand depression. Maybe we could find some answers, if we share some thoughts. Write to me if you want to.
Hey no don’t feel sorry for anything! I left college in the middle of the semester of my freshman year. I don’t know whether I’ll go back to school or just start working, I haven’t made up my mind yet. And I’ve been depressed for eight years. I’ve just stopped everything in my life so I can recover from my depression episode so I can go on with my life. I’ve been “recovering” for a couple of months. So I’m still waiting to feel better. Knowing that you look up to me feels good because it reminds me of the person I used to be. In high school I gave great advice to my friends and I was looked up upon, but today I just feel like a different person.
What was the type of person you was you?
I was outgoing and social. Even though I was depressed, I could control it and still live my life. I had such great connections with my friends, but now I haven’t talked to many of them. The only person I talk to is a person that went to my college who is going through depression as well so I feel comfortable talking to her.
What did you like to do for fun ?