I’m a 17 year old girl, and I’m still alive. I suppose I should start off with the positives.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression a year and a half ago, and most of my friends know. I don’t have the energy to do any work at home, and at college I can’t concentrate and just keep having to go to the toilets and cry. I’m going to fail all my exams, I’ve accepted that, and for the moment I’m just trying to concentrate on staying alive. I want to drop out and get a job, but I would keep breaking down and crying there too and get fired. I’ve told a few people that I was suicidal a few weeks ago, and they all seem to accept the “was,” but it’s not that simple. I’m fighting every day, but I’m running out of energy to.
My boyfriend keep telling me he can’t see why I’m so depressed when I have people there for me. The thing is, my friends are used to me being the one who will help them out, so they come to me with their problems anyway over facebook, and I’m trying to think of what to say to them while crying. I cry nearly all the time when I’m not with people, because I don’t like people seeing me cry, but people keep catching me. I’m sick of having to explain why, and I’m sick of living like this. Crying for a bit then coming back out helps more than having to explain everything to someone.
It feels like I’m in a swimming pool that I can’t get out of, and I’m tiring and I keep going under. My friends wave at me from the sidelines and tell me I can get through it. When I’m with my boyfriend it’s like he throws me a raft and I can keep afloat for a while, but when he leaves so does the raft. They all seem to think they’re helping, and going to my boyfriend’s house is something to focus on to help get me through the day, but it’s not enough. I don’t want a raft, I want someone to pull me out of the pool. I want to be able to go a day without crying, or wanting to hurt or kill myself. The thing is, they won’t give pills to someone my age. Last time I had a counsellor, but it lasted all of a few weeks, didn’t help at all, made things worse.
I missed my bus on purpose today because I can’t face college. My friend’s boyfriend broke up with her last night, and I knew she was going to be crying all over me again, looking to me for support I can’t give. I know that makes me selfish and an awful friend. I know that. I just couldn’t. So I was searching for methods of suicide today, and I couldn’t find any quick or painless ones. I found this site, and figured posting this was worth a try. Believe me, I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to stop being depressed. I want to stop driving my boyfriend/friends away by being permanently depressing and feeling hopeless and worthless.
Before someone says this, my mum and stepdad know I’m depressed. They don’t know I’m suicidal, but they know I’m feeling “a bit under the weather”. My stepdad is one of those who thinks the solution would be to keep me in my room until I finish all my work, because he thinks that’s the problem. That’s what happened last year, and I got through my GCSEs, but my state of mind didn’t exactly improve, although I stopped self harming now Mum’s looking. My mum is like a Disney princess, and she feels everyone’s pain so deeply, and she’s already under enough stress, I can’t tell her how bad it is. I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and not run in front of cars, but it’s so hard.
I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. I’m just don’t know what to do, and I figured if I’m looking for people who do know, this would be the place. If you’ve taken the time to read all this, thank you.
My friend is now texting me about my friend who’s boyfriend broke up with her. “(Me) get ya butt up here (friend) is crying,” “(Me) (friend) needs you you had better be there at dinner”. I feel like the worst friend ever but I just can’t. I wish they’d stop expecting me to be able to help, I can’t even help myself.
I’m sorry for the rant….
18 comments
Tears are words that need to be written.
The best thin for you to do i to talk it out, that’s what many us need, a place to take the hurt and release it. Though it only helps for a short time in that time it helps.
What is the cause of your clinical depression? To be able to better help you.
Wow this post hit home for me. I am in exactly the same situation as you right now, like to the T. I am also in college and struggling with depression. I’m at the same point as you, I can barely function period in society. I dont want to go to class, I dont want to wake up in the morning. I’m super tempted to drop out. It really does freaking suck. I think about suicide all the time, I also was researching some different ways, cause I’m just flat out tired of being depressed all the time and your right. No one gets it. I get it, and I’m sorry and I think suicide isnt the option for you or me or anybody else. It just feels like such an easy way out sometimes right? But I think that raft is coming for you soon and your going to pull through it. It’s hard to have someone understand how you feel, cause it seems like most people don’t.
I really don’t know what the cause is…I just feel worthless and like there’s no point to anything. And now my friend is texting me telling me to help my friend, and I can’t make myself go to college and I just feel like the worst person in the world :/
innor32332 I wish I knew you in real life, you sound almost like my twin. Thank you. Where are you? I’m in England. And I know, I am trying not to go, you know, that far…it’s just hard
I know me too. I am in the US, but yeah I know how you feel. It’s almost like the idea even makes you feel better, even though you’re not sure you’d actually go through with it.
The idea of the pain stopping makes me feel better, but the idea of what it would do to my friends/family….if I’m honest I’m not sure if I would have if I could find a painless way, but as far as I can tell there isn’t one
Yeah thats how I am, my family would be devastated. I don’t think their is either..
The thing is I’m an only child, only grandchild etc, and til I got depression I was this huge high achiever, they all expect me to go to uni and stuff. I don’t want to imagine their reactions if I dropped out and became a waitress or something, they’d be so disappointed. And I can’t tell them all I’m suicidal, can I? Mum thinks I’m revising right now, but the words just swim, I can’t concentrate.
Sometimes in order of us to find the light we must travel through the darkness. The one thing you have to realize you are your own person, and you must choose what’s best for you. College is not for everyone, but in our time it’s the only way to really secure a good job.
When you feel worthless that’s yourself lying, you have to shake off those thoughts, breathe and realize you are somebody.
Don’t let yourself destroy yourself. A lot of time we are our worst enemies and it’s our emotions that can not only affect us but the people around us.
I know you think how can you help someone when you can’t help yourself, but you still be there for your friends, and if they can’t people here can help you.
If you want to talk.
riddick_fury@rocketmail.com
I didn’t see that you had posted this, I’m still not exactly sure how this site works. I have to approve it? Thank you
I know I need college for a decent job, but the way I am now there’s no way I’m going to pass anything :/ I was thinking about taking a year out then trying college again.
You’re right, I am my own worst enemy…it feels like I have this voice in my head pointing out all my flaws every second of the day…I wish I knew how to shut it up.
The thing is I can’t be there for my friends, because I have no patience at the moment and I end up snapping at them and hurting them
Thank you for the email address, I might email you once I’ve created another account if that’s alright and you don’t mind getting ranted at? I’m sorry, I’m just overly cautious when it comes to the internet, and my email has my name in the address
If you really can’t help your friends, I think that it might actually be easier for you if you just came out and told them the truth. Also, Always remember that you ARE important, and that you ARE special. I wouldn’t say that feeling worthless is “lying” to yourself, but I mean, you are who you make yourself out to be. If you think that you’re going to self-destruct, you probably will, what with the Placebo Effect and all. I’m know I’m not all that great at giving advice, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I – and everyone else here on this site – will help you. xx
I have told them the truth, my friends who are asking for my help know that I’m depressed, and that I was suicidal a few weeks ago, although not that I still am still. They act sympathetic when I tell them at first, then after that they act like I never said anything and carry on as they normally do, telling me all their problems. I’m not quite sure what you were saying with the rest of that message though? But thank you xx
dontknowwhattodo,
Hi. I’ve read all your post. I wonder about something, but I don’t know for sure, if you were a very high achiever, and that is when you started feeling depressed, and you then kind of stayed inside to get through your exams.. now you have started university..I’m just thinking do you feel kind of trapped? I mean caught up in all the course work without feeling like you’ve had time to breath and just be, and be able to let go of everthing.
At one point for me at university I just got a backpack and went up to Scotland and stayed ath the youth hostels and sometimes I was alone, and sometimes other people joined me and others for awhile. But for the first time in my life I was alone but I felt more free. Like I had more space around me and in my mind and I realized I started feeling different, free, and even happy- it just came to me. I went all the wayi up to Orkney and was looking out at the sea and the sea lions and the wind was blowing and I just suddently felt so alive. I think this is because there was no expectations of me at all. No family, no friends, no one who knew me from before, and finaly I could feel what it was like to just be me.
I think this was the happiest time of my life. and when I’m reading your story, it seems to me like you are very much surrounded by people who have certain ideas and expectations of you. I”m not saying drop out of uni, but maybe do take a break? Maybe you need some space around you and from the people who may love you and be a part of your life, but you have to also create or figure out what it is that makes you feel joy or peace or what really matters to you.
Maybe it feels like you have been stifling this part of yourself. I was kicked out of high school because of things that happened to me there. My family quickly labeled me a drop out. Though I was still able to carry on and go to college. But when I went away for 6 months I felt like a different person, or all the anxiety, pain, and those feeling started going. And the funny thing is, the people I met in Scotland, who knew nothing about me or my past, really accepted me and it was the real me they were accepting. It was so great. I can’t explain it really well. People thought I was funny and I had always thought I was not. Or they thought some things I said were clever and it just astounded me. There were people from all over the world and learning about them and also seeing myself in their eyes made me see things differently.
Sorry, I may be completely full of shit and off base here.
This is just my feeling and response to what you’ve written. But really, I wish you well. And maybe what Im trying to say in this long way is see if there is a way to get a new perspective on things. a new point of view. Maybe something we all need to try to do throughout our lives. Best to you. <3
Oh, yeah and I meant to say, you probably know about the Samaritins? Where I lived they had a building you could actualy go to and sit down and talk with someone and maybe its not for everyone but for me it was really helpful. Because it is anonymous and you can say anything really and they wont judge you and only want to help. Just and idea for you if you are really feeling distressed and feeling suicidal. I just wanted to mention that its there for you if you ever needed it. <3
Wow, that was a long post, thank you so much 😛 I think you’ve slightly got the wrong end of the stick though, I’m not at university. My sixth form is called a college, it gets confusing for some people
I know exactly what you mean though, I would love to do that. In the summer I went on a retreat with my friend and her family in Poland. I’m don’t follow their philosophy, but it was so peaceful. They believe everyone should be nice to each other, be vegetarian and meditate a lot, basically. There were people from all over, everyone was lovely, and all chores were shared out equally. Plus, it was beautiful there. It felt like I was in a little bubble for two weeks where nothing could touch me. The thing is me and my friend aren’t really talking any more :/ The only place I could escape to would be Saudi Arabia to live with my father, and trust me that would not improve my stress levels. I want to go off somewhere, so badly, but I don’t have any money, and I don’t know what kind of job I could get at 17. Plus my boyfriend is one of the only things keeping me going at this point, love-struck-teen-y as that may sound, and he’s not going to quit college to come on a road trip 😛
And I’ll keep it in mind about the Samaritans, thank you 🙂
As for the travelling, I had an idea. Whenever I get money (off my mum for lunch, or from babysitting) I have to buy things to stop myself from buying pills and…well, you know. So I’m thinking whenever I get money I’ll give it to a friend to look after. Not only will it take away the urge, but I’ll be saving money and I’ll be able to get away from everything for a while with the saved money. Is this a good idea? Or not? Not sure.
Oh yes! I need to read more carefully! You are 17! =) so just delete all that part about university!!
But anyway, it is still the general idea of getting away to where you can have a bit of space and freedom to be just you and relax and maybe some answers or just fresh experiences will come to you.
Of course, you cant’ just pack up and take a holiday to the Bahamas just now – i understand! But I do think it sounds a good idea about having your friend put your money away for you, and it may help with the impulse to buy pills. To me it sounds like a good plan, you can try it anyway.
Well, okay, you can’t fly away just now, Maybe you could just plan something with your boyfriend? For sometime in the future I mean. Will he get a break in the summer maybe? Planning isn’t quite as good as just going, but it at least would give you something to look forward to. There are youth passes for the trains, that sort of thing where you can do it pretty cheaply. Camping? Youth Hostels? Brighton? (probably not brighton.=)) It’s something to think about anyway. Even if it was just for a weekend.
Or even find some new places to go when you go out just for the day, just anything a bit different.
Next time I’ll read more carefully!