I’m a 17 year old girl, and I’m still alive. I suppose I should start off with the positives.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression a year and a half ago, and most of my friends know. I don’t have the energy to do any work at home, and at college I can’t concentrate and just keep having to go to the toilets and cry. I’m going to fail all my exams, I’ve accepted that, and for the moment I’m just trying to concentrate on staying alive. I want to drop out and get a job, but I would keep breaking down and crying there too and get fired. I’ve told a few people that I was suicidal a few weeks ago, and they all seem to accept the “was,” but it’s not that simple. I’m fighting every day, but I’m running out of energy to.
My boyfriend keep telling me he can’t see why I’m so depressed when I have people there for me. The thing is, my friends are used to me being the one who will help them out, so they come to me with their problems anyway over facebook, and I’m trying to think of what to say to them while crying. I cry nearly all the time when I’m not with people, because I don’t like people seeing me cry, but people keep catching me. I’m sick of having to explain why, and I’m sick of living like this. Crying for a bit then coming back out helps more than having to explain everything to someone.
It feels like I’m in a swimming pool that I can’t get out of, and I’m tiring and I keep going under. My friends wave at me from the sidelines and tell me I can get through it. When I’m with my boyfriend it’s like he throws me a raft and I can keep afloat for a while, but when he leaves so does the raft. They all seem to think they’re helping, and going to my boyfriend’s house is something to focus on to help get me through the day, but it’s not enough. I don’t want a raft, I want someone to pull me out of the pool. I want to be able to go a day without crying, or wanting to hurt or kill myself. The thing is, they won’t give pills to someone my age. Last time I had a counsellor, but it lasted all of a few weeks, didn’t help at all, made things worse.
I missed my bus on purpose today because I can’t face college. My friend’s boyfriend broke up with her last night, and I knew she was going to be crying all over me again, looking to me for support I can’t give. I know that makes me selfish and an awful friend. I know that. I just couldn’t. So I was searching for methods of suicide today, and I couldn’t find any quick or painless ones. I found this site, and figured posting this was worth a try. Believe me, I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to stop being depressed. I wantÂ to stop driving my boyfriend/friends away by being permanently depressing and feeling hopeless and worthless.
Before someone says this, my mum and stepdad know I’m depressed. They don’t know I’m suicidal, but they know I’m feeling “a bit under the weather”. My stepdad is one of those who thinks the solution would be to keep me in my room until I finish all my work, because he thinks that’s the problem. That’s what happened last year, and I got through my GCSEs, but my state of mind didn’t exactly improve, although I stopped self harming now Mum’s looking. My mum is like a Disney princess, and she feels everyone’s pain so deeply, and she’s already under enough stress, I can’t tell her how bad it is. I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and not run in front of cars, but it’s so hard.
I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. I’m just don’t know what to do, and I figured if I’m looking for people who do know, this would be the place. If you’ve taken the time to read all this, thank you.
My friend is now texting me about my friend who’s boyfriend broke up with her. “(Me) get ya butt up here (friend) is crying,” “(Me) (friend) needs you you had better be there at dinner”. I feel like the worst friend ever but I just can’t. I wish they’d stop expecting me to be able to help, I can’t even help myself.
I’m sorry for the rant….