I feel like everywhere, every day I’m constantly being lied about how much others care for me being alive. Deep down no one really cares what happens to me. It’s all a lie. Everyone is a hypocrite. They act as they care because they’ve been taught to do so. I feel like no one can help me or more like no one wants to do anything. I know I shouldn’t expect others to do what I can’t do for myself, but it would just be easier if people would support the only options I have left. I want to die.
No one is there for me when I need them, and while I understand others have their own problems to deal with it is just incredibly unbearable to feel lonely all the time. Whenever anyone listens to me, Â all they can say is: “life gets better”. It doesn’t get better. I’ve been sad, afraid and lonely all my life. The idea of committing suicide first got to me when I was 8 year old. I’m 20 now, and life is just sadder and harder every day. I want to die but I never find the courage to stop living.
I’m not scared of death. I’m scared of the pain I’ll feel. I’m really a coward. I don’t want to suffer anymore, but I can’t suffer for a moment to end it all. I have little of a life anymore, I am just letting myself to rot away. I don’t have the courage to live anymore. For the past few months, I’ve just been waiting for something to happen. Something that will help me end my self. On the rare occasions I go out, when I cross streets, I feel the urge of jumping in front of the next truck that passes by me. At home, I look at the bunch of pills my parents keep in the cabinet — the pills the need to take daily, and wonder if maybe by drinking many of them I’d fall asleep forever. Sometimes I grab the containers, but I never have the courage to open them, gobble them down, and poison myself to death.
I’ve been thinking about cutting myself, but I’m so scared of blood and I’m scared of the pain so much that I can’t even try it. I really don’t know what to do. I wish it would all end soon. I’ve lost all hope and motivation for living. I don’t go out of my room anymore. I’m not working. I’m not studying. I’m not even watching TV or entertaining myself with video games or anything else at home. All I do is sleep, eat and go to bed again. I realized nobody cared a long time ago, but what’s worst is I just realized even I don’t care anymore…
4 comments
Why doesn’t anyone reply….
And if there are replies, no one is replying useful stuff.
Amen to you, I feel exactly the same. I have nothing useful to say. Apart from maybe trying MDMA, Psylocybine, Ayahuasca or if none of that worked (unlikely) you kill your own ego with: Eboga. ONLY use it with shamans and/or therapists, you will become a new person. Because becoming a new person is what it requires for you to live.
Psychedelics have known to be the most succesful in treating depression and PTSD and shit. It’s just they require shitloads of preperation and ‘proffesional’ supervision and treatment. Chances are big that if you are alone, and depressed and take on psychedelics you suicidal thoughts manifest and you die. (Externally you could unconsciously do something to yourself, however I never saw something like that happen.)
I can definitely relate to being alone, living at home, unable to do anything, just suffering, day after day after day… When I do talk to people they go through the motions of saying they care, but they’re never actually there in my life, and their words just seem hollow and meaningless. It’s like I may as well not even exist. Or rather, it’s like I ALREADY don’t exist, and my suffering is completely meaningless. (If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it…) I’m sorry you feel this way too.
Two quick asides, though:
– If you do decide to overdose, PLEASE research what you’re taking, how much you’re taking, and what it’s going to do to you. Overdoses can be fatal, but the vast majority of the time they aren’t; you really need to know what you’re doing, and whatever pills you have lying around the house probably aren’t dangerous enough to kill you. At best, you’ll likely throw them all up and/or pass out for a while, and at worst you could do some serious, permanent damage to your body, but still remain very much alive.
– I don’t want to sound hypocritical, as I’ve developed a myriad of unhealthy coping mechanisms over the years, but you should know before starting any self-destructive habit that it has the potential to spiral out of control and/or cause you a lot of problems. That being said, while I don’t cut/burn/etc. myself terribly often, I don’t think I’d have survived this long without hurting myself, because it definitely does help you cope. Though treating cuts, cleaning up blood, hiding scars, etc. can seem too much work to be worth it when you’re extremely depressed/apathetic. I’m still not condoning it, but if it brings you relief and keeps you from killing yourself… Sometimes life is just a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils, or doing whatever works.
Yeah I didn’t respond earlier because basically I agree with kuro. I accept that people don’t really care about people. I also accept that people try to be polite by lying that they do care.
Between kuro’s lines it seems like there might be some college burnout. What I did, was enlist in the Army. The Army promised adventure they put me on a tank and by golly they delivered a whole lotta adventure. Then the Army paid for 6 years of college and so I eventually got a Masters degree.
So I was gonna say “Army,” but it’s not for everyone I dunno but don’t be fooling around with drugs that’s just silly.
There are a million things that annoy me about the way people are generally. I’m not sure whether I’m meant to ignore my views on it or be incapable of having an opinion. I’m siding with normality as the best way forward because I must have been wrong in the first place. I’m certain that I’m not meant to react in any way because it’s bad for my karma. These days, I don’t have the ability to write a detailed post on the topic. It’d take too long. I doubt that it’d help me very much anyway.