The worst fear to have is a fear of ones self, you can’t run or hide from yourself, when scared you cannot stop yourself. I am terrified of myself everyday..i can hurt me more then anyone else. I have lived with this fear for a long time, but yet again the fear has grown. The fear grows when my emotions get stronger and sadder, when i feel empty and comatose’d. I cannot run or hide or stop myself anymore. I have no one or nothing to hold back the frightful me from hurting the scared me. I am a monster….just not of my own making.. I am a monster of my mind.
Tired, is what i feel -Tired of trying to ignore it all and pretend im getting better when i know on the inside all i feel hate. Hate of myself, of others and of life in general- so tired i can’t try to fight the feelings of pure insanity, sadness, anger, but the worst…is the empty feeling. A feeling of nothing, thats when im at my worst.
However the scary me….thats the me that feels hated and unwanted, thats not just sadness… its Misery. Its a pain that is just so describable, its a pain that you cant run hide or ignore. When you say pain people instantly think of a cut or bruise or broken bone (i admit i used to too) that is until i felt that pain That Misery, and i realised id take a broken bone, a bruise or a cut over that Misery any day.
Wounds and bones heal, sometimes with a great deal of time. But they do.
This Misery. This Pain. This Insanity. It never truly leaves or heals….Its with me for life.
Fortunately,I get to choose just how long my life is…so days i see a while, some days i see a few hours, some days all i see is the seconds as they tic along waiting for the day to come when it all becomes just too Scary.
2 comments
Don’t worry Elly xx I’m exactly the same, you will get through this I promise xx stay strong darling xox
maybe you won’t get through this Elly…are you sick of people saying that? i know i am. I know for me I’ve felt this way for 20 years. I keep going like every one tells me to…like I’m supposed to …but what people don’t understand that to exist with this sort of pain parts of your sould die or shut down just so you can wake up every morning. Society isn’t designed to cope with people in this much internal pain, nor are we as human beings. I can’t promise it will get better but if you are able to shut off your receptors and be half a person then perhaps you can be ignorant to the world around you…if you don’t do it voluntarily then it will eventually happen involuntarily anyway…let’s just pray you become ignorant of the process…not like me…painfully aware.