I am pretty sure endofanera passed. She was very determined to succeed. I won’t give out the details but a  little detective work gets the job done
RIP. i know I should be sad but this gives me hope. I know she wanted this so much. Â I’m getting closer and this helps me steady myself. It will be okay.
21 comments
Hey whenever you need someone I’ll be here morenomari1@yahoo.com We’re all vulnerable and hurting, if you want someone to share your burden and you can share mine. They’re in a better place now, but you can make this a better place for you too, and I know and feel you can…Let’s find hope in other things aswell, they are small but heck they’re there
glass_music_cup: I didn’t know this person but am sorry to hear. If it’s true, I hope it was swift and peaceful for them. Strange too, because I was thinking just yesterday about how I would let you know when I am gone. I can set emails on delay but would like to post here – but I don’t trust doing that. I’m not certain / trusting that there aren’t trolls lurking around.
Peace be with you and endofanera. Always.
Glass_music_cup, open minded people like you are rare. I wish I could exchange some thoughts with you. I m running out of time myself. peace
@Abstract, I think you did emailed me and I’m so sorry for not replying. I would respond, but I am incredibly bad with reciprocation these days. Comments can be short and easy, but I feel like emails drain my brain.
You do seem like a great person, and yes, being in the same place feels kind of surreal. Right now, my priority is to seem like a decent person at work. Next comes cleaning and organizing my place. Then hopefully I will be done with the brain-taxing work and work on the emotional acceptance and peace needed before going through with the act. I do hope we can talk more in the future (not sure how long it will be for you:/), but right now, spring is pushing me to hurry up and stop dawdling with things I need to take care of.
Sad to hear about endofanera’s passing. I’m not sure I knew this user as I haven’t been on this site as long as most of you guys.
How have you been doing lately glass? Lately I’ve been doing shitty. I think I’m gonna try carbon monoxide with car or charcoal and pray it works. I’m just so sad and lonely that this is what my life has become. I had so much potential to do cool shit. I just want to die in my sleep.. Are you still going with the exit bag?
I don’t think I have the energy to construct the exit bag. If I had a gun in front of me or some cyanide or ******** I’d do the deed immediately though. It’s a matter of access.
I hate how people make it so hard to actually die peacefully.. =(
Also may I ask what method endofanera used? I’m not sure if that’s an appropriate question I’d just like to know so I can widen my options.
I tried the car method and needless to say, it didn’t work. Maybe I’m just an idiot. Probably. If I had a gun, I certainly wouldn’t be here.
This “Silk Road” business has piqued my interest. I think it may have been you that first mentioned it.
Wouldn’t cyanide be painful? Makes me think of the liquid nicotine..
After my several failed attempts, I did find “peace and acceptance” since I knew for certain I could go through with it.
This feeling extends to myself and even people that have hurt me.
Strangely enough, it is this “peace” – this ability to die – that is giving me the ability to live ..for now.
May you all find this peace when the time comes.
Okay. Yeah I think the car/charcoal method is prone to failure from what I’ve read on various suicide websites.
Yeah the Silk Road is very interesting. Recently it’s been DDoS attacked from some malicious hacker though so it’s been up and down. But I was able to connect a few hours ago.
On it I saw phenobarbital and dilaudid. Two drugs on the final exit book. But it’s rather expensive and you have to use a currency called “bitcoins” which you need to figure out. Also you need to learn to use what’s called “PGP”(Pretty good privacy). It’s basically an encryption service. I still haven’t figure out this part yet.
So basically, to use Silk Road you need to learn a lot of new shit.
As for cyanide, on the peaceful pill handbooks cyanide got a peacefulness level of 5/10. The helium exit bag got a peacefulness level of 8/10 I think. So cyanide isn’t that bad as far as dying goes. Hanging got a peacefulness level of 0/10. So try your best not to hang yourself if you can.
I agree, the knowledge that I can kill myself at any time gives me great comfort and somehow pushes me forward despite how much misery and suffering I experience on a daily basis. But when I’m actually about to go through with it I get pretty scared.
For instance when I almost jumped off a parking garage I was scared quite a bit. Looking back I wished I had balls and just jumped and got it over with. It’s been about 5 years since that “attempt” and I wonder everyday whether I should just end my misery by killing myself.
Sometimes I wish I’d never been born into this wicked demonic world. They won’t even let me leave peacefully. I wish there were “suicide booths” like on Futurama. Or even Suicide clinics where you can go in and get peacefully put down and donate your organs. Haha who am I kidding though humanity is far away from that if at all.
first cool screen name. Second reading some of your replies you’re an enlightened cat as I say.
I was litterally thinking before I logged on I wish the medical field in which I work would help people to die as much as they do to help those who want to live.
I am not familar with the show futurama but I think we need to open a “suicide booth” Franchaise. (Insert insanely funny slogans here)
“Booth California”
“One man enters, no man leaves”
I’m somewhat familiar with bitcoin and tor…I’ve been kind of lazy and impulsive lately so I’ve avoided doing research. Clearly that hasn’t worked for me, so I’ll eventually look into it. Hell, I’ve never even heard of the “exit book”. I just assumed liquid nicotine would be super effective and painless for some reason, so I stopped after that..
After the liquid nicotine only made me feel like shit, I’m super hesitant to mess with any substance I feel may be similar.
And no way in hell am I messing with hanging. Too many failures, and so much suffering if things go wrong.
Also, I get the never wishing I was born thing. I remember quite clearly as a kid wishing that I never existed.
I find copious amounts of alcohol help with any last minute fears.
I used to be petrified of death..near phobia levels.
Now I’m here. And its kind of liberating.
Hi @tupacorbiggie: endofanera jumped off a bridge. I don’t think I’d have the ability to do that. I know that a gun is also a pretty surefire way to “succeed” but I just don’t seem to have it in me to do something that feels so “violent” and scary to me.
Well, first, thank you so much for emailing me. Sorry I’ve been so bad at responding. I’ve been trying to do better at work and it takes up so so much energy. And that’s why I don’t know if I want to go through with the SR. It looks too complicated for me. It looks like you have to have some street smarts for that. I don’t have an ounce of that. I’m sorry you’re not doing so well. If it helps, I don’t think you’re crazy. I believe your pain, and I’m sorry you feel so stuck.
“I had so much potential to do cool shit.” I relate to this a lot. I had so much potential, but I am unable to access that motivation, passion and drive anymore. It makes me feel so sad…
I read stories last night online about carbon monoxide poisoning. I read about a college student who ran two cars in the garage while her family was out. It worked for her. A friend of mine also completed suicide using this method, although she also used a tube and a bag. When my sister was in 2nd grade, a classmate and his sibling accidentally died waiting in the garage (they were locked out and had the car running for warmth). The last story was tragic, since it was accidental. But knowing three persons in “real life” who have passed with the car/garage method, I think it’s worth a shot for me.
I feel like it is definitely possible for this to work. I have been reworking my plan to possibly rent a storage garage or something, where I’d park my car. I’d have that running for maybe an hour or so (with a pipe to concentrate it inside the car), before going in and then trying the helium Exit bag. I’ve also been saving up Trazedone. I’d take the Trazedone with alcohol first…and let the effects sink in for about an hour, and then go into the garage and work out my Helium bag. If that doesn’t kill me, then hopefully the carbon monoxide will. I plan to handcuff myself while holding my breath and then stepping between my arms so that they’d be behind me before breathing in.
I mean, I really don’t want to do it in that kind of setting though. I’d like to stay in a hotel and watch some TV for the first time ever and listen to music and just stroll into the bathroom to use the helium. I don’t want to die in a storage garage, because it also complicates who will find my body. I think it will just feel more peaceful that way (in a hotel, being able to relax beforehand). Maybe I can try that first, and if that doesn’t work, I can use the car for some extra measures.
@ataraxia–I hope I reach that level of peace soon. Right now, it’s a challenge, because it is important for me to be as decent of a human being as I can before leaving. I have a lot of affairs to put into order, and a lot of organizing at work to prepare for the next person. I think that once this is done, I will reach that peace.
I’m scared of hanging as well. I’m glad you have the ability to live for now! That’s great and I’m so happy to hear it. How have things been going for you now that you’re trying to get by?
@Dawgmom-I really like you. You can trust me and email me if you’d like. I have a fake email and I’m sure you do as well–so there’s no worries of unwanted visitors. I’m horrible with bidirectional relationships but I do like to comment when I have the mental energy.
Wow, I’m so very sorry to hear about your sister. I recall a story lately where a man killed himself by running his car in his garage. Unfortunately he also killed his wife and daughter who tried to save him.
Heh.. Being the dummy that I am, I thought I could just jam a shirt in the exhaust and be done with it. When that didn’t work, I fed split-loom tubing from the exhaust to the trunk. Silly me.
Making things easier for the next person is very noble of you.
I was somewhat of a planner, but nowadays I find myself not able to endure long enough and simply not caring what others have to deal with. D:
As for how I’m doing now, I find my emotions changing quite often, which is very confusing and frustrating. However, there is still that constant; the ability to just say “fuck it”. The stress of trying to live or die has become greatly reduced and it is a welcome relief I never thought I’d experience.
I suddenly find myself feeling that at the very least, I should try to live a little. It may not equate to long term changes, but that really isn’t the point, it would just be a bonus.
And you? What kind of emotions do you deal with on a daily basis?
I bet emotional exhaustion is one of them.
I tried carbon monoxide once – car in garage – OMG did I get sick. Maybe if I would have drank or popped some pills but just to sit in there – no thanks. And yeah, I hate guns too.
Personally, I’m thinking about hanging. It’s been tried and true forever and there are so many ways to make it almost comfortable. When I’ve tested it seems pretty good and quick. Add some booze and a few pills and nitey-night.
@glass_music_cup- Don’t worry about not responding to the email. Most people on this site use an alternative/fake email anyways. As for my method of choice. I think right now it’s a gun unless I can get some barbiturates or opiates from silk road. But since my previous suicide “attempt” it’s very hard to get a gun. Hard but not impossible. I mean, letmesleep managed to get his gun so why can’t I with a little hard work?
I’d rather not use a gun to blow my brains out but it’s my best option I can think of right now.
Getting a gun sounds like so much effort that I do not have. A bit high risk since I live with others.
The thought of using a gone used to make me reel. Used to.
Now it just makes sense.
Same. I used to be scared of the idea of putting a bullet through my head. Now I just don’t care. If done correctly you die in a matter of seconds. Much better than hanging myself. I plan on doing it in a forest so cleanup won’t be a big deal. Also I plan on calling 911 right before I do it so nobody gets traumatized or anything like that.
hi, i don’t know anyone of you and the feelings and emotions that you describe pinpoint the way i feel every second, minute,hour of my life that i am alive. anything i could say has already been said on this but i still will share my stories. some of the poetry on here is befitting. i actually joined this site because of what i read about endofanera.
about 6 weeks ago, i met someone on a dating site – a woman who kept updating her profile frequently and her updates completely described the way i am as a person. she was like a mirror of me. we started talking, and she told me about this site. She said she planned to kill herself this week. i don’t know if this is her.
the reason why sp came up while we spoke was because she was like me, like all of us on here. this came as a complete surprise to me. i never met anyone else who felt the way i did ( except i am now beginning to suspect my younger brother is becoming like me too – hes starting to become isolated too). anyway i will post my story later. ive been stalking this site for 3 weeks. never intended to join, but i spent hours going through 190 web pages on sp trying to find a post from her so i can put my mind at rest knowing shes gone to a better place. its so nice being able to talk like this with other people out there. i am a completely newbie to this. hid it so long. im sure others could have guessed but right now i am. any way i don’t know if what i am saying is making any sense to you guys, as never spoken so outwardly about this or even like this right now. the words seems foreign and unusual to write down have yet to speak out loud. sorry that my grammer is awful. the irony is, i am a grammer nazi at work. am not me at work. i don’t know who that is. but hes a nice guy :/
R.I.P endofera
@tupacorbiggie, I’ve had the forest idea in my mind. Something about being surrounded by nature seems soothing.
I don’t think I could call the cops though. Too paranoid since my last attempt.
@LordsWrath, welcome to the site and I look forward to reading your story. And don’t worry, I’m sure many of us understand your feelings.