Anywhere but here.

So I’m  14, I know too young to be feeling this way. But I have no confidence I cant stand looking in the mirror I hate myself. I’ve been breaking down a lot, nothing but crying this isn’t the first time but its never been this bad. I literally have been having suicidal thoughts everyday, its gotten to the point to where I almost started crying in school today. I barely started cutting again. I had stopped in like November-ish of last year I think. But its been awhile and I started up again like in April I think. I’ve written so many suicide letters its ridiculous. The thing that would always get to me is my family, I don’t think id be able to take the pain it would cause them if I was gone. But lately it hasn’t really gotten to me and that’s what scares me the most. I don’t care if I go to hell or heaven I just want to get out of this world. The thing that I hate the most is that I’m always there for people whenever their breaking down but I’m always left with no one, nobody cares. I would talk to my mom but she’d probably just block me out like when she had found out I was cutting for the first time. This is the first time I ever had a cry for help like this. People always say its going to end and i’ll be happy again, but when?! I’ve been like this since 5th grade and I’m in 8th going to be in 9th. I would take pills but my mom usually holds onto them in her room and she’s always in there. I would cut deeper but I think bleeding to death is terrible. Any suggestions? The pills that my mom is holding onto are Hydrocodone and Ibuprophen  (spell check?) should I sneak in there tomorrow? But I seriously want to be gone be tonight