I would say I had a terrible childhood. But it wouldn’t be true. I wasn’t popular, but never severely bullied either. I was your normal nerd, with good grades (but not too good), few friends and a passion for books. And that’s everything I remember from then.
When I was about 15, I started to understand the world. I felt frustrated by not having answer to some questions, and started looking deeper into myself and into the world. I rationalized everything, and got a working schema of reality. I thought that was all, and was anxious to get that knowledge to the rest of the people. For a few years, I fell deeper into my rational understanding of the world, and out of the “normal” world of feelings.
I got to control love itself. Happiness, sadness, as I understood them, I lost the ability to feel them. It didn’t matter, as I had found my place in life: I was the fighter, the guide. I felt the Morfeo of the world. Whatever you think of this, understand that for me it was fulfilling, having such a great mission.
About one or two years ago everything changed. Don’t think that my world collapsed. It didn’t. I found the last part of my philosophy, the last piece of the puzzle. As I understood that “purpose” was something that man invented, I understood that life itself cannot have a “purpose”. There is no basis for good and bad, for better or worse. Every choice is as good as the others. There is no reason to live (neither to die).
I’m currently driving down this slope of craziness. It’s getting more difficult to think, to make any decision, to keep going. I rationalized my feelings, lost them, and now my mind doesn’t have any basis for applying reasoning. Reason is good to get you what you want -but you need something to want.
I don’t know if I’ll (actively) kill myself. But if nothing changes, I think I’ll just let myself die.
I understood the world, and now it doesn’t matter anymore. I have all the choices, but no reason to make any of them. I feel like a dead god. Now that I understand myself, I realize that some ignorance is needed to live. Not that living is better or worse.
I fell I only have inertia for so long.